Inner Voyages
by SophieDevereauxtoo
Summary: Captain Janeway takes a leave from Voyager to deal with medical issues she doesn't want StarFleet to know about. She enlists Dr. Crusher to help her.
1. Chapter 1

The commissary at Starfleet headquarters in San Francisco, Earth is a bustling place. Tables are filled with cadets talking animatedly with steaming mugs of coffee in front of them. Professors fill many of the other tables, catching a quick bite to eat between classes. Many are human but a great number of Federation planets are represented as well. In spite of the chaos, she sits alone, completely absorbed in the article she is reading.

Without taking her eyes from her tablet, she reaches for her mug. Her tea has long gone cold, she wrinkles her nose and sighs before setting it back on the table in front of her. She pulls her fingers through her shoulder length auburn hair, trying to decide if it's worth it to go get more hot water or not. It will probably just go cold again and she refocuses on her tablet. She barely notices the figure who slides into the vacant chair at the table.

The new woman is about her same age, early 40's. In contrast, her hair is tightly wound into a bun on top of her head. Her Starfleet uniform is red, not blue and she wears 4 pips on her collar, the rank of a captain. She's a bit put out that she did not immediately receive the acknowledgement she expects and deserves. She clears her throat, trying to get the other woman's attention.

The red head holds her finger up without lifting her eyes from her reading. The captain raises an eyebrow. She hasn't been treated in this manner since she was an ensign and she's more than a little put off by it. She squirms impatiently, trying to decide if she should announce herself and her rank or wait it out.

After several minutes, the red head finally drops her PADD to the table and looks up. Again, the captain expects recognition but, if the red head notices she wears a higher rank, she chooses not to acknowledge it, forcing the captain to open the conversation.

"Dr. Crusher."

The red head looks amused. "Yes?"

Again the captain is slightly flustered. The doctor has had a long career in Starfleet yet she refuses to submit to someone who obviously outranks her. The captain can't decide if she likes that or not.

"You don't remember me." It's a statement, not a question.

"Should I?" The doctor is amused with the game now. It's not often she is in a position to needle a strange captain and she's enjoying herself, and the look on the other woman's face.

"Kathryn Janeway. Captain Janeway." She emphasizes the 'captain', letting the other woman know that she still holds rank. "We met on the Enterprise several years ago."

The Doctor shrugs. "I meet a great many people. I'm sorry Kathryn. I don't remember." She gives the woman an amused smile. She heard the stress on the word captain but she chooses not to use it. The woman did interrupt her after all.

Captain Janeway narrows her eyes. She's not used to being treated in such a manner and, if she didn't need Dr. Crusher, she would tell her exactly what she thinks about her insolence.

"Three years ago. In The Badlands. I was the captain of Voyager."

The lightbulb goes on in Beverly's head. "Oh yes. I remember now. You were the one who got lost. How are you?"

Kathryn bristles again. Most people consider her a hero, bringing the Voyager and her crew back from the Delta Quadrant in one piece. Few dare to mention that it was her who took them into the wormhole in the first place. Her voice is tight when she answers.

"I'm fine. Thank you."

Beverly just smiles and waits. This meeting is not going at all like Kathryn expected and she's not sure if she should continue to try to make small talk or jump straight into her reason for the meeting.

A young woman in a server's uniform comes to their table.

"Captain. Can I get you something?"

Kathryn nods. "Two coffees please. Black."

Beverly interrupts her. "Thanks but I'm drinking tea." She gestures to the half-filled cup in front her.

"No one said it was for you." Kathryn snaps then turns back to the server. "Two coffees. One in a go cup. Bring that in about 15 minutes. And a go cup of tea for the doctor."

The young woman scurries off. Beverly raises an eyebrow and gives Kathryn an amused look. "Are we going somewhere?"

"We are. I need your help." She doesn't offer any more and Beverly doesn't ask.

When her second cup of coffee arrives, Kathryn takes it and stands. Beverly still hasn't decided whether or not she's going to follow as she has been offered absolutely no information as to why the Captain needs her. She makes up her mind as Kathryn turns to walk away, greatly favoring her left leg. Beverly grabs her cup of tea and catches her, offering her arm for Kathryn to lean on.

"Where's we going?"

"Your office?" Kathryn asks.

They walk in silence across the StarFleet campus to Beverly's office. She sinks gratefully into a chair. Beverly doesn't move.

"Are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing is –going on-. I hurt my ankle. I want you to fix it."

Beverly isn't buying it. "There is a perfectly good medical facility here. I know because I am currently running it. Go there."

"I don't want to. I want you to do it."

"Tell me why?"

"No."

Beverly's eyes narrow. "Then I'll be going. Stay as long as you need."

Kathryn's hand grabs her wrist. "Please don't." Beverly looks into her eyes and sees a small crack in the armor Kathryn surrounds herself with. She nods.

"Fine. I'll stay. Sit up on the edge of the desk. Take your boot off."

"Thank you." Kathryn whispers.

Beverly gets a chair and gently pulls Kathryn's foot into her lap. The skin is colored a deep purple down the outside of her ankle and across the entire surface of the foot. She gently squeezes the joint and hears Kathryn hiss in pain.

"It looks like it's broken," she says. "I'll have to run a scan to be sure. This didn't happen today did it?"

"No. It's been a couple of days."

"It must have been incredibly painful. Why didn't you have it fixed? A ten year old with a Medi-Kit could have done it for you. How in the world did you walk on it for so long?"

"Sturdy boots," Kathryn tells her sarcast ically as Beverly begins to run a bone knitter along the damaged tissue.

"You haven't answered my question," Beverly scolds her. "There's more to this story. I need to hear it before we go any further. How did you hurt your ankle?"

"I fell OK? I wasn't paying attention and I tripped. I thought it was just a sprain, it would heal itself. When it didn't, I didn't want to go to the medical facility, have to explain what an idiot I am. I recognized you in the dining hall. I figured you'd understand."

Beverly drops the newly mended ankle and considers Kathryn's story. She opens her mouth to ask another question when her communicator chirps to life.

*Dr. Crusher. Dr. Tennant is waiting for you in his office*

She sighs. *I'll be right there*

She pats Kathryn's knee as she stands. "I've got a meeting. You can tell me the rest of the story over dinner."

Kathryn slides into the booth across from Beverly. "I detest sushi!"

Beverly just smiles and pours hot green tea into Kathryn's cup. "They serve the best ahi outside of Tokyo here."

"I'm not eating raw fish."

"The tako is excellent too. Still wriggling. Kind of like a good fresh Gagh."

Kathryn swallows hard. "There's no such thing."

"I'm glad you came Katie. Can I call you Katie?"

"No."

"Good," Beverly ignores her protest and pours herself another cup of tea. She offers to pour for Kathryn too. She declines."

"I hate tea too."

"So, Katie," she says sweetly, ignoring Kathryn's cringe at the nickname, "tell me how long your hand has been shaking."

Kathryn looks shocked and quickly squeezes both hands into a fist.

"I never said my hands were shaking."

"You didn't have to. I saw it when you sat down this afternoon. I want to know about the ataxia too."

"I never said anything about…"

"You fell," Beverly interrupts her.

"I tripped."

"You fell. And you had a hell of a time walking in a straight line in spite of me holding you."

"My ankle was broken."

"Any intern could have diagnosed and fixed your ankle. You sought me out because you wanted me to treat something that you don't want StarFleet to know about. You have only been here on Earth for one day which means that you heard I was here and you came specifically looking for me. That means that the fall and the broken ankle happened on board Voyager, at least three days ago. It also means you have a pretty good idea what's wrong. So either you're going to tell me the whole story or I'm going to leave."

"Does this mean you're going to help me?"

"I haven't decided."

"And my eating raw fish will help you decide?"

Beverly pushes the plate that the server just brought across the table.

"Octopus too."

"I think I'm feeling better already."

"Pick up your chopsticks."

"I don't want to."

"Don't want to or can't?"

Kathryn takes a deep breath. Her eyes are closed. Her voice is almost a whisper. "I can't." Beverly doesn't answer her. After a few seconds, she feels the doctor's warm hand on top of hers. She opens her eyes to see Beverly watching her closely. She's sure the woman can see through her now, her pain and her fear.

"I'll help you Katie. We'll fix this. I promise."

Ni-pan sake kudasai.


	2. Kudasai

Inner Voyages 2

"Ni-ban sake. Kudasai."

"What did you say?"

Beverly smiles. "I ordered sake."

Kathryn narrows her eyes. "Are you planning on getting me drunk?"

The server brings a bottle of cold sake and pours two cups for the women.

"Kompai!" Beverly says and drinks.

"Kompai."

Beverly refills Kathryn's cup and hands the bottle for Kathryn to fill hers.

"So. Start at the beginning. I want to know everything from the first symptom."

"I started noticing little things about three weeks ago. We were out past Deep Space 13. Doing a survey on a cluster of red dwarfs. It was just random stuff. Dropping things. Muscle twitches. Headaches. Forgetting things. Lots of little things that, by themselves, wouldn't be worth mentioning. Was never consistent. Random. One day my right hand, another my left. I put it off to being over worked, tried to get my sleep, limited my coffee. I would seem to be better for a day or two and then a new symptom would show up. The first time I fell, I was confused. I wasn't dizzy, didn't trip over anything. Just one second I was fine and the next I was on the floor. That's when I started paying attention. Whatever it was, it was definitely getting worse but still nothing specific. I have to admit, it scared me how fast it seemed to be progressing."

"Did you talk to your CMO?" Beverly asks.

"We don't have one. Not really. We lost our medical personnel during the accident. Had to activate the EMH."

"They Emergency Medical Hologram? You're kidding? That's been your doctor all this time? Why didn't you replace it?"

"Him." Kathryn corrects her. "We didn't have anyone who had any real medical training. After four years, well, he had evolved, become part of our crew. When we got back, I didn't have the heart to deactivate him."

"So you had some sort of medical help. Why didn't you go to him? At least when you hurt yourself?"

Kathryn sighs. "I thought about it but, by the time I broke my ankle, well, I was pretty sure it was something in my head. I did some research. Found all sorts of horrible things. Iverson's Syndrome, Creutzfeldt-Jakob **,** ALS, Valteck Disease. All career enders. I can't do that. My ship. My crew. They're all I have left. I can't lose them. And if The Doctor knew, well, he's a friend and a part of my crew but he's also part of the computer. He follows the rules. There is no reasoning, no compromise. He would report me to StarFleet and that would be the end of me."

Beverly nods. "So you came to me. Because I'm a rule breaker."

Kathryn lowers her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. I heard you were here. On Earth. I know your reputation. You're the best doctor in StarFleet. I made an excuse to come here. You're the only one who can help me. You have to help me. I have no one else."

Beverly takes the other woman's hand. "I will help you Katie. I'll do what I can. But you're wrong."

Kathryn looks up, startled.

"I'm not a rule breaker. The rules are there for a reason, to protect everyone. If you do, and I'm not saying you do, but if you do have a degenerative brain disease, I can't let you captain a ship. That being said, I have been known to bend a rule or two, when the situation warrants it. I will keep your secret, at least until we know for sure what we're dealing with."

"Thank you Beverly."

"Now drink up," Beverly tells her as she fills Kathryn's sake cup again. "This way no one will wonder when you come stumbling home."


	3. Trees and Layers

Inner Voyages 3

Kathryn taps lightly on Beverly's office door.

"Come!"

Beverly looks up with a smile.

"You made it home alright last night?"

"I managed."

"You fell again." Beverly says, noting the scrap on Kathryn's wrist.

Kathryn self-consciously tugs at her sleeve, trying to hide the wound.

"I didn't. I ran into a tree."

Beverly laughs. "You're kidding?"

"I was drunk. Remember?"

"I do. Still, where did you find a tree between the restaurant and the transporter hub?"

"It found me."

"You mean you were attacked? By what? A Whomping Willow? Or an angry apple tree from Oz?"

Kathryn laughs now. "More like a yax imix che from the Mayan colony on Kab but Rowling and Baum had the right idea."

Kathryn stands in the doorway, watching Beverly push things around on her desk. She starts to get impatient.

"So, are we going to do something?"

Beverly looks up.

"I thought we could take a walk."

"How is that going to help me?"

"It's not. It will help me. I need a cuppa coffee."

Kathryn narrows her eyes.

"I thought you were a tea snob."

"I have layers," Beverly says with a laugh. "Lots of them. Like a nice Dobos."

"More like an onion," Kathryn mumbles.

"Besides, I want to watch you walk."

"And what will that tell you? Shouldn't you scan my brain or something? That's where the problem is."

"Maybe I just like watching you?" Beverly says with a suggestive smile. All she gets in return is a glare.

The women walk together across the campus to the dining facility. Kathryn doesn't fall but she is still limping. Beverly notices.

"Does your ankle hurt?"

"Some."

"You did a lot of damage walking on it like you did."

"I feel like you could have fixed it."

"Yeah, well I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker."

"Maybe it was the tree."

"Maybe I underestimated you."

"Nah. You love me."

"I'm not sure I do. You're kind of a pain in the ass."

Beverly smiles. "True. But I'm all you've got. Besides, I'm buying you coffee."


	4. On Being Left Behind

Voyages 4

Kathryn sits and fiddles with her coffee cup as she watches Beverly fill hers. She adds cream and sugar and Kathryn wrinkles her nose giving Beverly reason to smile. She files it away as one more thing she can needle her new friend with when the time is right.

As impatient as she is, Kathryn is learning that Beverly is going to do things in her own time and in her own way. It's difficult for her to give up that control, being used to giving orders and having them followed. Pushing Beverly will get her nowhere though and she tries to not let it get to her. Still, she's sure Beverly knows exactly what she's doing and it's driving Kathryn a little bit crazy. Kathryn tries to look relaxed as they sit at a table in the dining facility. As much as she hates small talk, she decides that it's better than fanaticizing about grabbing the doctor around the neck and shaking her.

"So, why did you leave the Enterprise? The word is that you weren't happy at StarFleet Medical, that was why you went back?"

Beverly shrugs. "I don't know. When I was here before, it was different. My son stayed on the Enterprise. He was only 15 at the time. I felt bad about leaving him. And it was exciting then, exploring the galaxy, new dangers, new challenges every day. Now Wesley is grown and off doing his own exploring. I don't see him much. The crew? We had been together a long time. We were a family, they were my friends but, over the years, well, you know how it is, people take new posts, they get married, they die. I was starting to feel like I was being left behind."

"And Picard?"

Beverly lowers her eyes. "Yeah. Him too."

"Did you love him? There were rumors. About you two."

Beverly blushes. "I know. Maybe I did, once. I could have. But Jean-Luc is a captain."

Kathryn nods. She knows. A starship captain has only one true love. There just isn't room for two in a captain's life.

"Anyway, I guess I started to feel like I was waiting for something, something that was never going to happen. I needed a change. Medical seemed as good an idea as any. At least here, maybe I have a chance to meet someone."

"Is that what you want? To meet someone?"

Beverly thinks for a second. "Honestly, I don't know. I don't really know what I want. Not yet. I just know that I can't wait any longer for something to happen."

Kathryn nods. "I get that. When it's time to move on. I had someone once. He couldn't wait any longer either."

"I'm sorry," Beverly says softly.

"It's OK," Kathryn says with a shrug. "I don't blame him. I, we were the ones who disappeared. No one knew if we were dead or alive. Or if we would ever make it back. Four years is a long time to mourn. He's happy now. I'm happy for him."

Beverly blinks away the sadness in her blue eyes.

"Maybe we should get together. You know, show them both what they're missing,"

Kathryn searches her face, trying to figure out what Beverly is saying. She gives up.

"I can't tell when you're being serious and when you're trying to tease me."

"Good," Beverly says with a coy smile.

Beverly begins to bus the table.

"Why don't you go and get your things. Let your CO know that you'll be spending a couple of days here, at my place. I'm going to go and pick up a few scanners and things we'll need."

Kathryn eyes her suspiciously. "Your place? Why your place? You aren't planning on taking advantage of me are you?"

Beverly laughs. "I assure you. My only interest is your brain," she says with an enigmatic smile. "By all rights, you should be strapped to a biobed in Medical right now. I'm guessing Voyager sick bay is out as well so that leaves my apartment. Unless you'd rather…"

"NO! No. Your apartment is good."

"Good," Beverly nods. "Gimme a couple hours. I need to stop at the store as well. In the morning, I'm making waffles!"


	5. On Cats and Hardwood Floors

Voyages 5

Kathryn arrives at Beverly's apartment building just as Beverly is walking up, her arms full of bags. She hands one over and Kathryn follows her inside and up several flights of stairs.

"I had no idea they still had places like this," Kathryn mumbles. "Isn't there a lift?"

Beverly laughs. "Oh there is but I prefer the stairs. This building is over 300 years old. Of course, it's been rebuilt and modernized but I like to pretend it's just like it was in the 1900's. Besides, the view is amazing."

They finally reach the top floor and Beverly opens the door to her apartment. Kathryn gasps.

"Oh Beverly! It's beautiful!" She goes to the wall of windows facing San Francisco Bay. Wisps of early evening fog swirl over the dark water. The bright orange of the Golden Gate Bridge can be seen off in the distance.

"After so many years with tiny windows and the black of space, I needed a place full of light," Beverly explains. "This is a bit far from campus but it's worth it for the view. And the kitchen."

Kathryn stares out at the scene while Beverly begins to put food away. Suddenly, Beverly hears a squeak and a thump. She turns around to see Kathryn sitting on the floor, cradling her arm. She rushes over to her.

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened," she says sarcastically. "I just wanted to examine your hardwood floors."

Beverly squats down next to her and holds out her hands. Kathryn places her injured wrist in them.

"I saw your cat. When I turned my head to look, I just, I lost my balance." She glances over at the large, overweight calico cat who is glaring at her with bright green eyes.

"That's LuLu. She's not terribly fond of strangers and she still getting used to being here. It's a lot different for her than on the Enterprise. She didn't trip you did she?"

Kathryn shakes her head.

"Well, I don't think you broke anything this time," Beverly tells her. "We'll just put a cold pack on it. Are you ready to get up?"

Kathryn looks up at her and her eyes begin to tear up.

"I hate this!" she says softly.

"I know," Beverly tells her soothingly. "I know." She sits next to Kathryn and wraps her arm around her shoulder. Kathryn sinks into her, finally letting go of all of the emotion she's been holding in.

The women sit for a time, Beverly rubbing Kathryn's back and whispering encouraging words until Kathryn's sobs start to wane.

"I'm sorry," Kathryn tells her. "I didn't mean to cry like that. I don't know what got into me."

"You don't have to be strong here Katie. Not for me. I can do that for both of us. You put your energy into fighting this. Let me take care of you."

She gets a sniff in response and decides to take that as an affirmative. She helps Kathryn up off the floor and takes her to the sofa.

"Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat if you like. Or I can show you the bedroom. You look like you haven't slept in days."

Kathryn shakes her head. "No. I'm OK. Honestly, I'd like to just do what you need to do. To figure out what this is. Do you know? Do you have any idea?"

"I have a guess. Something called Spinocerebellar Ataxia. That's what I'll look for first. Along with a full body scan, of course."

"What is that?"

"It's a fairly rare genetic disorder. Did anyone in your family have anything like this?"

Kathryn shakes her head. "Not that I know of. My mother is still alive. My dad died young. Nothing in the extended family that I've heard of. Does that make a difference?"

"Not really but it could be a clue to something genetic. Honestly, none of the symptoms make much sense with anything I can think of. And the progression is puzzling too. I've only known you a day but it seems that you had a fairly slow start but now things are progressing rapidly."

"You're saying I might die? Before you even figure it out?"

"That's not at all what I'm saying."

Kathryn sighs. "I'm not afraid of dying. I never have been. I mean, I've faced death many times. I've faced things worse than death. Romulans, Cardassians, The Borg. I've looked them, and so many others in the eye, but I've never been scared like this. Whatever this is, inside of me, it terrifies me. And I don't know why."

Beverly takes her hand. "It's not death you're afraid of. It's not being in control of your own fate. You've looked at death and made the decision, took the risk because you knew it was the right thing to do. You've lost all of that, the choice, the reason for making it. And that can be terrifying. When the time comes, you'll face death with all of the dignity and orneriness that you've always shown. But that won't be today. Are you ready to name this thing?"


	6. a name

Voyages 6

Beverly settles Kathryn on the couch and sets out her instruments. She starts with a simple tricorder scan, noting Kathryn's blood pressure, pulse, breath rate, etc. She chats idly about her apartment and San Francisco in general as she works. As the exam progresses, she grows quieter and begins to frown more. Kathryn watches her carefully, trying not to be concerned about the changes in the doctor's demeanor. 'She's just concentrating', she tells herself. 'It's nothing bad, something simple to cure and we'll both be laughing about it later.'

After an hour or so of scanning, poking and prodding, Beverly sits back. She scrolls through her tricorder readings again with a scowl.

"What is it?" Kathryn finally asks. "Is it that spinal cerebral thing?"

Beverly shakes her head. "No. It's not that. Nothing genetic. I'm not entirely sure yet. I need to, um, give me a few, I need to go look something up. Can I get you a coffee or water or something?"

"No. No I'm OK. I'll just, I guess I'll just wait here?"

Beverly gets up and disappears into the back room without another word.

Kathryn tries to entertain herself. She looks out the window. She tries to coax LuLu into joining her on the sofa. She wanders around the kitchen and makes some coffee. Finally she can't stand it anymore. She goes to look for Beverly.

Beverly is sitting at a desk in a large bedroom. The room is dominated by a large, four poster covered with an intricate blue and yellow pieced quilt. A large picture window overlooks the bay and one entire wall is covered in shelves over flowing with real paper books. Her desk is pushed to the wall on the far side. She is hunched over it, scrolling through files on her computer screen. Kathryn comes quietly up behind her and tries to read over her shoulder but the medical terms are moving too quickly for her to decipher. She puts her hand on Beverly's shoulder, trying to get her attention. Beverly doesn't move. After a minute, Kathryn speaks.

"Beverly? You're scaring me. What is it?"

Beverly stops scrolling but she doesn't move for a few seconds. With a deep breath, she turns around.

"Sit." She says, gesturing to the bed.

Kathryn shakes her head that she doesn't want to but begins to lose her balance and finally does as she's told. Beverly pulls her chair up in front of where she is perched on the edge of the bed.

"What is it?" Kathryn asks her again. "Please tell me. I can deal with whatever it is. I just need to know."

Beverly nods. She understands the power in naming the enemy, gaining at least some control over one's fate. She tries to be gentle with her explanation.

"I believe it's something called Dulugal Guddagan Mara. There isn't much known about it. I've been looking for anything I can find. It's not a disease per se. More like a parasite."

Kathryn is shocked. "A parasite? Like a bug? In my brain? Oh my god. How?"

Beverly shakes her head. "I don't know. Like I said, there's not much known about it. In fact, there have only been three documented cases in all of the Federation. None of them on Earth. None in humans."

"So how?"

"I don't know. We'll have to figure that out."

"Is it contagious? Oh my god. Please tell me it's not contagious!"

"I don't know. I guess we'll find out." Beverly smiles weakly.

"Not funny. So now what? How do we kill it?"

Beverly looks down at her feet. "I don't know. I need to do more reading."

"Can it be removed then?"

Beverly shakes her head. "No," she whispers. "It's a spider of sorts." She puts her thumbs together and wriggles her fingers. "It digs in, legs, or tentacles, whatever they are, they worm their way into the brain. There's no way to remove them, not all of them. Right now, it's sitting in your motor cortex. That's why the balance problems, the shaking, trouble walking. Soon it will spread to other areas."

"So it will kill me."

"No. Not exactly. A parasite needs its host. If the host dies, they both die."

"But you said…oh. Oh! Beverly! I, it can't, oh my god. It will…" She can't finish the thought and Beverly can't finish it for her. She falls forward into Beverly's arms. Beverly wraps her up tight.

"Will I know?" She asks quietly.

"I don't know Katie. I just don't know."


	7. Floors

Voyages 7

"Are you OK?" Beverly asks after a few minutes.

Kathryn sits up and Beverly can see the fire in her eyes is back.

"I'm fine. I'm ready to do what we need to do. Just tell me."

Beverly smiles at her. "The first thing you need to do is get some rest. Tomorrow is bound to be an interesting day. I've got some research to do but I think I might have a plan."

"Are you going to tell me about it?"

"No. Not yet. It's just an idea. I haven't a clue if it's a viable one. I promise, you'll be the first to know. Now lay down and try to get some sleep."

Kathryn protests. "This is your bed? Where are you going?"

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"No. No you won't. This is your bed in your home. "I'll take the couch."

You'll take this bed or I'll have you in isolation in Sick Bay before you can say boo!"

Kathryn narrows her eyes.

"Fine. But you're sleeping here too. There's plenty of room for both of us."

"Now who's planning on taking advantage?" Beverly says with a smile.

"Humph. You wish!" Kathryn retorts.

Beverly snickers as she changes into a night gown. She knows Kathryn is watching and that amuses her. She picks out another one and throws it to her friend on the bed. Kathryn misses the catch and it falls to the floor at her feet. She reaches down to grab it and starts to fall forward. Beverly rushes to catch her.

"Need some help?"

"No."

"Really? Because it sure looked like you did."

"I was checking out the floor. Just in case you kick in your sleep."

"You seem pretty fascinated with my floors."

Kathryn sticks out her tongue and Beverly laughs.

"So if I were to go to the kitchen and get a couple of glasses of wine, I would come back and find you…?"

"Probably on the floor. Can you help me with my boots before you go?"

Beverly laughs again. As she pulls Kathryn's boots off, she notices the still discolored skin on her hurt ankle. She gently runs her finger down the purple bruise.

"Things were simpler yesterday, weren't they?" Kathryn asks.

"If there are two things I love, they're exobiology and puzzles." Beverly explains. "This is right up my ally. I love a challenge. And Katie my dear, you are certainly a challenge!"

She drops Kathryn's foot and leaves her to change.


	8. widows

Beverly is happy to see Kathryn dressed and in bed.

"Scoot over. You're on my side," she says as she hands Kathryn a glass of wine. "And try not to spill that. It's real wine from Picard's private collection."

Kathryn props herself up on the pillows and takes the glass. "Delicious," she says with a smile. "So we're getting the spider thing drunk again? What did you call it?"

"Dulugal Guddagan Mara," Beverly says, wriggling her fingers.

"Yeah. I'll never remember that. I'm calling her Mara."

"It's a her?"

"Why not?"

"Why not indeed," Beverly says as she holds up her wine glass. "To Mara. May she not live long and prosper."

Kathryn laughs. "I will drink to that!"

The wine is gone and the women settle into bed. Kathryn is still restless from the news and not ready to sleep. She rolls up to her elbow and studies Beverly's face. Something about the woman's red hair, ice blue eyes and porcelain skin fascinate her. Or maybe it's the kindness that seems to radiate from every pore. Even when she's teasing, Kathryn can feel that Beverly cares very deeply about what happens to her. It's only been a short time but she knows that Beverly is going to be a good friend. She doesn't have many of those.

"Tell me about your husband?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. Indulge me."

Beverly rolls to her side to look at her. "It was a long time ago."

"Do you think about him?"

Beverly closes her eyes. "Sometimes. Not as much as I used to. Sometimes I go days, even weeks without thinking about him. Is that bad?"

"I don't think so. It was a long time ago."

"Jack was the love of my life."

"I'm sure he knew. Was he in StarFleet?"

Beverly nods. "He died on an Away Mission. On the StarGazer."

Kathryn looks surprised. "Picard's command?"

"I told you it was complicated."

"I am really sorry."

"It was a long time ago. We were young. He was an up and coming StarFleet officer. I was working my way through medical school, waiting tables in a coffee shop. Jack came in one day. We flirted. I thought nothing of it. The next day he came back. I didn't know that he hated coffee. He only drank it so he could talk to me."

"Sweet," Kathryn says. "Though I have doubts about his taste.

Beverly looks at her and she corrects herself. "In drinks, not women."

Beverly smiles. "Yeah. We were inseparable. He introduced me to Jean-Luc. They were best friends, not just captain and commander. They were between assignments, on Earth for almost a year. By the time the StarGazer came available, Jack and I were married. Jean-Luc married us actually. They took her on her maiden voyage. I was finishing school, planning on joining StarFleet. It was going to be the three of us, traveling the stars, saving the Universe. When I got pregnant with Wesley, well that complicated things. There were rumors about ships with families but it wasn't soon enough. I stayed here on Earth. There was going to be one more trip, then Jack would take a position at the Academy."

"There is always one more trip," Kathryn says.

"Yeah." Beverly's eyes are sad. "Jack always said he was meant for the stars. He said he would give that up, for me and for Wesley. Sometimes I believed him. I wonder sometimes… Oh never mind."

"No. What?"

"It's just, I used to wonder if he loved the stars more than he loved us."

Kathryn feels as if she's been hit in the gut. "No. NO!" She reaches and touches Beverly's cheek where a tear sits. "He loved you. And he loved his son. More than anything. StarFleet is a harsh mistress. She doesn't share. But don't ever think that he loved her more than he loved you."

Beverly smiles a sad smile. "Thanks."

"I took one more trip you know."

"I know."

Kathryn sighs. "Mark and I, I did love him. I thought I did. We had plans to get married. Start a family. But I was one of StarFleet's rising stars too. That was important to me. Maybe more important. They offered me Voyager. She was gorgeous. Small, sleek, agile. They called her a peace keeper but it was obvious what she was. She was a hunter. It was love at first sight. Mark begged me not to go. It was only a year. That's what I told him. What's another year? I would put the Maquis out of business. Come home a hero. Retire a full admiral. Well, I came home a hero but it wasn't the happy ending I was promised."

"I'm sorry too," Beverly whispers.

"The one who left and the one who was left behind," Kathryn says sadly. "StarFleet's widows. And now we're all alone."

"No Katie. We're not alone. We have each other. Maybe that's how fate works?"

Kathryn tries to blink away her tears, take comfort in Beverly's words. She stares into her friend's eyes. Overcome with emotion, she closes the small distance between them. She gently touches her lips to Beverly's. They're warm and soft and taste of wine. It makes her feel better.

Suddenly she realizes what she's doing and pulls away guiltily.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I didn't mean to do that. Please don't…."

"Shhh. It's OK." Beverly runs her finger along Kathryn's bottom lip. "It's been a long time since anyone's wanted to kiss me. It was kind of nice." She gives Kathryn a soft smile. She holds out her arm and Kathryn moves to lay upon it. With a sigh, she snuggles into Beverly's side.

"You're not alone Katie. Not anymore," Beverly whispers softly as she wraps her arm around Kathryn's shoulder.


	9. Have You Ever?

Kathryn awakes to something touching her cheek. She opens her eyes to see Beverly's blue ones.

"Good morning Sunshine," Beverly says with a smile.

"Where's the coffee?" Kathryn grunts.

Beverly laughs and hands her a cup.

"What time is it?"

"11 Hundred."

"What? Why did you let me sleep so long?"

"You needed it. I need to go over to Medical. Do some research. Tie up some loose ends. You should contact Voyager."

"I don't want to."

Beverly sighs. "I know but we're not talking about your career any more. We're talking about your life."

"My career is my life."

"Do you want me to do it? They need to know. I need to know if anyone else is showing symptoms."

Kathryn closes her eyes. "No. I'll do it."

"Good. I left you some waffles. Please eat something."

"I thought you were kidding about that."

Beverly's tone is serious. "I never kid about waffles!"

Beverly comes through the door to find Kathryn on the couch, book in hand, LuLu on her lap. She smiles.

"I see you two made friends."

"More like a mutual disarmament pact"

"What are you reading?"

"Frankenstein."

"One of my favorites. The first science fiction novel. Written by a woman."

Kathryn eyes her curiously. "I would have guessed you'd be a big fan of romance."

Beverly shrugs. "It has its moments."

She drops her bags on the counter in the kitchen. One she pushes to the side, the other is full of food and she begins to lay it out. Kathryn pushes LuLu off of her lap and stands to go join her in the kitchen. Beverly watches as she uses the couch and then the wall to steady herself as she walks. When she reaches the open space, she hesitates. Beverly crosses the room and offers her arm.

"It's getting worse."

"I can still walk."

She pulls a chair for Kathryn to sit where she can watch her work. She puts a pot of fettuccini noodles on and begins slicing onion, zucchini and summer squash.

"You like cooking?"

"I do."

"I hate it. Even with the replicator."

Beverly laughs. "I can imagine." She sautés some garlic then throws the vegetables in with it.

Kathryn debates with herself whether or not to bring up the previous evening. She watches as Beverly tosses some shrimp into the pan.

"Beverly?"

"Hmmm?"

"I, um, I'm sorry about last night."

Beverly continues to work without reaction.

"About the kiss." Kathryn says.

"What about it?"

Kathryn shakes her head. This woman is so infuriating sometimes! She's sure she's just doing it because she knows it drives her crazy. She tries again to explain.

"I didn't mean it, I mean, it just happened. I didn't plan it or anything."

"I told you it was fine. It fit the moment."

Kathryn sighs. She wonders what she has to do to get an actual reaction out of Beverly.

"I've never kissed a woman before."

"Is that a confession?"

"Just a statement. Have you?"

Beverly pauses her stirring for just a second. Kathryn counts that as a win.

"No. I haven't."

"Would you do it again?"

Beverly shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe. If the moment was right." She pulls her pans from the stove and turns to look at Kathryn. "Are you offering?"

"What? No! I mean I, no."

Beverly smiles at Kathryn's reddening cheeks as she drains the pasta and fills two plates. She spoons her creation over the top and sprinkles a bit of cheese. She brings the plates to the table with two glasses of wine.

"Eat," she tells Kathryn, "we've got a lot to talk about tonight."


	10. Die or Leave

Beverly walks Kathryn to the sofa and sits next to her. The mood feels heavy and she tries to lighten it.

"Your hair is down. I like it." She reaches and touches a brown lock where it lies on Kathryn's shoulder.

"You're stalling."

"Still. It makes you look…"

"Less official?"

Beverly smiles. "I was going to say less imposing."

Kathryn feigns offense. "You think I'm imposing?"

"I think you can make an ensign pee his pants with a lift of your eyebrow." She laughs.

"I do enjoy that," Kathryn laughs along.

"So" Kathryn starts, "do you have a plan for Mara's demise?" She wills Beverly to say yes.

"I think so."

"But?"

Beverly shakes her head. "It's not going to be pleasant."

"I didn't expect it would be. Tell me."

Beverly takes a deep breath and launches into a long explanation.

"Back in the 20th century, doctors identified a class of diseases previously thought to be consumption or wasting disease, healthy people who would get sick and never recover or just wither away for no apparent reason."

Kathryn resists the urge to roll her eyes. She is not at all interested in a history lesson.

"Anyway, they discovered that many of these diseases were caused by rapidly growing abnormal cells. They happened in any body system and spread quickly. Each particular disease had a name but they were collectively known as cancer."

Kathryn nods. She's heard of that. "Like the crab," she says.

Beverly nods and shows her thumbs together and wriggles her fingers the same as she did to describe Mara's spider form.

"Yes. Because of the way they spread. Many cancers showed in the form of tumors, clusters of cells inside an organ. These tumors grew very quickly, much quicker than the surrounding tissues, eventually pushing out healthy cells and destroying the organ. Often they could be removed, if caught early enough, many times they couldn't be, due to location or size. It was very difficult for surgeons to remove an entire tumor because they would dig into the tissue, tap into a blood supply, grow legs to anchor and spread."

Kathryn begins to see the analogy. "Like Mara does."

Beverly nods.

"The treatment for cancers, well, it seems barbaric now but it was quite effective at the time. It was called chemotherapy."

"Drugs?"

Beverly shakes her head. "More like poison."

"They poisoned the patients?" Kathryn asks incredulously.

"The idea was to stop the body from producing new cells. Since the cancers grew so much faster than regular cells, they wouldn't have an opportunity to reproduce and they would die off. This was done repeatedly until the cancer was eradicated."

"It sounds horrific."

"It could be. The side effects were often as bad as the disease. Many didn't survive. More did."

"You're telling me this because you want to do this to me?"

Another nod. "To Mara. I think, I hope, that if we can poison her food supply…"

"You mean me."

"Yes you. If we can starve her, she'll either die or leave."

"And this is the only way?"

"It's never been tried. But yes, it's the only way."

Both women sit quietly for a few seconds. Kathryn slaps her hands on her knees.

"Well then, let's get started shall we?"


	11. I Want to Do it Again

Beverly smiles at Kathryn's determination. There are just a few more things she needs to explain.

"I thought you might say that. I brought home what we will need. At least for the first round."

Kathryn nods.

"There are just a few more things I need to tell you."

"Are you going to talk me out of it?"

"No. Of course not. But full disclosure. I want you to know what to expect."

"Ok."

Beverly takes a deep breath.

"First of all, the side effects. Nausea, vomiting. Maybe for days."

Kathryn swallows hard. Beverly continues.

"Pain and fatigue. The immune system is greatly compromised. You'll be in almost complete isolation."

"You'll be here?" There's a bit of panic in Kathryn's voice.

"Of course I'll be here," Beverly reassures her. "And your hair."

"What?"

"Your hair. It's likely you'll lose your hair. All of it."

"You make it sound so glamorous."

"There's more."

"There always is."

Beverly takes a deep breath. As frightening as the side effects are, they are nothing compared to this.

"Katie, you need to know. Mara, she isn't a tumor. She's a living being. She may have some sentience. At the very least, an instinctual will to survive."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying she may fight back."

"Oh. What does that mean?"

"I don't know."

Kathryn processes the information for a few seconds. She looks deep into Beverly's eyes. She sees concern and fear but she also sees confidence.

Beverly stares back. "Are we still good?" She asks softly.

Kathryn nods. "I trust you Beverly. If this is the only way? If you think it even has a chance of working? We're good. Do we start now?"

Beverly shakes her head. "How about first thing in the morning?"

Kathryn nods. "In that case, I say tonight we get shit faced drunk. Is there any more wine?"

It's hard to tell who is helping who as Beverly and Kathryn, between fits of giggles, stumble to the bed room.

Beverly pushes Kathryn to sitting on the bed and then has to catch her as Kathryn starts to fall backward.

"Stay!" she orders.

"Yes ma'am," Kathryn answers with a laugh and a salute.

Beverly turns to change. As she turns back, she sees Kathryn start to lose her balance backwards again. She reaches to grab her shoulders but misses and lands on top of the other woman. They both begin to giggle uncontrollably. Beverly fumbles to push herself up and off Kathryn. As her arms straighten, she catches Kathryn's eye. She freezes, hovering above her friend. Suddenly she is serious.

"You're very beautiful Katie."

"You're drunk."

Beverly smiles. "Indubitably. Still, I find you very attractive."

She slowly lowers herself back down. Kathryn's eyes get wide but she doesn't try to stop her. Beverly gently presses her lips to Kathryn's and Kathryn moans softly. Her hand goes to Beverly's cheek and she slowly parts her lips, letting Beverly in. Beverly deepens the kiss, enjoying the feeling of Kathryn's tongue as she gently teases her. She pulls away and lets herself fall off to the side. Kathryn looks at her.

"I liked that."

"I did too," Beverly says as she wipes a strand of hair from Kathryn's face.

"So now what?" Kathryn asks softly.

Beverly lets her fingers tickle Kathryn's cheek.

"I don't know. Just that I want to do that again."

"Me too."

Kathryn leans in to kiss Beverly again. It's a kiss full of emotion and tenderness, not passion. It makes both women feel good. Beverly pulls Kathryn tight to her and they lie still for a while. When she is sure Kathryn has fallen asleep, she whispers softly, "I'm not going to lose you Katie. Not after waiting this long."


	12. It All Begins

V12

Kathryn feels a weight on the edge of the bed and rolls over into it with a groan. She tries to open her eyes but is assaulted by a blinding light. She blinks a couple of times and Beverly's smiling face begins to come into view.

"Good morning Sunshine," she says cheerily.

"I hate you."

"A little hungover? Here, drink this. It will make you feel better."

"It had better be coffee."

"From freshly ground beans."

Kathryn eyes her suspiciously.

"What are you not telling me?"

Beverly laughs and Kathryn winces.

"I just thought you would enjoy it. It may be your last for a while."

Kathryn lowers the cup.

"I'm not going to be allowed coffee? Beverly, if that's the case, I need to seriously reconsider this treatment."

Beverly laughs again.

"No. I would never do that to you. You just may not feel like it."

"Never happen."

She slurps a big gulp and smiles. "Oh that's good."

Beverly pats her arm. "I'm glad. Are you ready to get started?"

"Absolutely. I thought you'd never ask."

Beverly leaves and comes back with a bag full of supplies. She begins to lay them out on the bed. Kathryn's eyes get wide when Beverly covers her hands and face before emptying bottles of liquid into a bag.

"It's just a precaution," she reassures her friend.

She explains what she's doing.

"There is too much volume to use a hypospray so I'm going to use an infuser. Unfortunately, that means it will take several hours. We're going to do it into the peritoneum, the sac around your liver. It will be absorbed into your bloodstream quickly that way. We're going to also give you saline at the same time to dilute it so it doesn't burn you."

"Burn?"

Beverly tries to reassure her.

"It shouldn't. Like I said, just a precaution, but do let me know immediately if you start having pain besides just on your skin."

Kathryn nods, not entirely sure now what to think about the whole procedure. Beverly holds up a contraption that looks like a hypospray attached to a belt.

"Are you ready?"

Kathryn gives her an unsure smile.

"As I'm ever going to be."

She pulls up her gown, exposing her abdomen. Beverly gently presses her fingers to the right side of Kathryn's belly, looking for the right spot. She loses herself for a second as she runs her fingers along the soft skin. Forcing herself back, she places the infusion device and wraps the strap around Kathryn.

"Are you ready?" she asks softly.

Kathryn nods.

"Good bye Mara," Beverly says as she activates the machine.

"So now what?"

"We wait. When this is done, we can go for a walk or something. Whatever you want."

"How often."

"Every morning for 4 days. Then we can evaluate whether or not it's working and go from there."

"When will I start feeling it?"

"I don't know."

Beverly climbs into the bed next to Kathryn. They sit together for a few minutes, lost in their own thoughts.

"Beverly?"

"Hmmm."

"Are we going to talk about it?"

"I wasn't planning on it."

"I don't understand."

Beverly sighs.

"You don't have to understand. It just is."

"That's not the way I work."

"Maybe that's your problem then. You think too much. Everything has to be so planned out, ordered. What about just feeling something. Doing it just because it feels good."

"You mean like this?" Kathryn asks as she quickly moves to kiss Beverly.

"Mmmm. Exactly like that."

"Still," Kathryn says, "I need to know what this means?"

Beverly looks at her.

"I honestly don't know Katie. I like you. A lot. It seems right to have you here with me. Whether that's friendly love or the start of something romantic, I don't know. What do you want it to mean?"

Kathryn thinks for a few seconds.

"I think I want it to be romantic."


	13. Roots

V13

Beverly smiles and touches Kathryn's cheek.

"I want that too."

Something in Beverly's voice makes Kathryn wonder.

"But?"

"But, our first priority is to get you well."

Kathryn nods.

"I understand. Getting involved with someone who might not be here next week, after all you've been through…"

"No!" Beverly protests. "That's not what I meant. I mean, I do like you Katie. A lot. I do want to be with you. I just feel like I need to stay focused, try to think like a doctor, make the right decisions."

Kathryn gives her a soft smile. "I trust you Beverly." She leans closer and gives Beverly a lingering kiss. "You are the sweetest, nicest person I've ever met. I like sleeping next to you. It makes me feel safe in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. And I find you attractive too. Very. But I understand. I'm going to take your suggestion. I'm not going to think about it. I'm going to do what feels good, at least until this is all over. We can decide then. For now, I just want to feel your arms around me."

She slides down and moves into Beverly's side. Beverly notices her wince.

"Does it hurt?" she asks, gently touching the small machine strapped to Kathryn's belly.

"It burns. Just the skin."

"Is it unbearable? I don't want to give you anything unless I have to. I don't want to do anything to make this easier for Mara."

Kathryn shakes her head. "No. It's ok."

"You'll tell me?"

"Probably not."

"About what I'd expect." Beverly says as she wraps her arm tight.

Beverly awakes to a kink in her neck. From her deep breathing, she can tell that Kathryn fell asleep as well. She stretches and slides away from her sleeping friend.

The drug infusion is done and she gently removes it from Kathryn's body. She is shocked to see the skin burned and blistered underneath.

"Oh. Katie, I'm so sorry," she whispers.

"It's OK." Kathryn says sleepily.

"I'll go make you some ointment."

"I thought you said…"

"I think this will be ok. It's just something to cool it off. We won't tell Mara."

Beverly helps Kathryn to the front room and settles her on the couch with a quilt. She makes some soup, in spite of Kathryn's protests that she's not hungry. While Kathryn eats, she disappears only to return a few minutes later with the leaves of some sort of succulent in her hands.

"What are you making?" Kathryn asks as Beverly peels, then presses the leaves.

"Aloe," Beverly tells her as she brings a small dish out. She gently spreads the cool gel over Kathryn's burn.

"It's an ancient Earth remedy. It takes the heat out of burns, keeps the skin soft and supple so it can heal. It can also help with the pain. It was used for many things actually, even as a digestion aid. I have a small garden downstairs where I grow some simple remedies."

"You're amazing." Kathryn says, shaking her head. "How did you learn all of this?"

Beverly smiles. "It's a long story."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I thought we could take a walk. Get some fresh air."

"Only if you tell me the story."

Beverly takes Kathryn to Golden Gate Park where they walk along the shore. They walk slowly, Kathryn leaning hard on Beverly's arm for support. Beverly leads her to a bench and Kathryn falls gratefully onto it.

"I'm here. I walked. I'm waiting."

Beverly sighs and takes her hand.

"I learned from my grandmother."

"That's it? That's hardly a story at all."

Beverly smiles. "No. That's not it. It's just not a time in my life I think about much."

"If you don't want to, I understand."

Beverly is quiet for a minute.

"My parents were killed in a shuttle accident."

"Oh Beverly! I'm sorry. I didn't know. Really you don't have to…"

"No. It's Ok. I don't remember them. I was raised by my grandmother. She was a botanist. Brilliant. She specialized in adapting crops for new colonies. Everyone wanted her. When we got to Arvada 3…"

Kathryn gasps loudly. "You were on Arvada 3? Oh my god Beverly. You were there? During the plague? Oh you poor thing."

Beverly nods as Kathryn squeezes her hand.

"When the medicine, the supplies ran out, when it was clear that no one was coming to help, my Nana, she turned to plants. She developed remedies, not for the plague of course, but for those who survived. She saved many lives. As many as she could. I helped. I was only a child but I learned the ancient techniques, how to prepare herbs, test them, administer them. It's where I learned to be a healer. Not a doctor, that came later. That's one of the reasons, I think, that I decided to live planet-side after so many years. Don't get me wrong, technology is great and the things we can do now, I love what I do… Just I wanted to get back to my roots, so to speak. It's one of the things I've been talking with StarFleet Medical about. Starting a natural remedy program. Not just for medical students but for anyone who is interested."

Neither woman says anything for a few seconds. Kathryn breaks the silence.

"You are truly amazing, you know that?"

Beverly shakes her head. "Nah. I just do what needs to be done. Hope for the best."

Kathryn kisses her, it starts out as a friendly, tender kiss but begins to get heated quickly.

"What was that for?" Beverly asks, trying to catch her breath.

"It just felt good."

"I think maybe we should head home now."


	14. The First Night

V14

Kathryn is quiet as they make their way back to Beverly's apartment. It takes most of her energy, even with Beverly's help, to make the journey. Beverly settles her on the sofa and goes to get her a drink of water.

Kathryn stares into the glass.

"Couldn't you have made it coffee?"

"After you drink your water."

"Killjoy!"

Beverly laughs. I'm going to make you something to eat too.

"I'm not…"

"I know. You're not hungry. You need to eat. Let me rephrase that, you will eat. Even if I have to feed it to you."

Kathryn smiles. "Now you're making it sound interesting."

"Do you like eggs? I have some fresh ones I picked up the other day."

"Eggs are fine."

"How do you like them?"

"Poached. On an English muffin. With a piece of ham, asparagus and Hollandaise sauce."

Beverly turns to look at her. "That was oddly specific."

Kathryn shrugs. "You asked."

Beverly gets to work, replicating the ingredients she doesn't have and cooking the rest. She brings two plates along with a cup of coffee to the table while Kathryn makes her way there. Beverly watches with concern but lets her navigate the open space herself. She smiles when Kathryn gives her a triumphant look.

"Does this mean it's working?"

Beverly shrugs. "Could be. Or it could be that you're just too stubborn to give up. A trait I admire greatly if you want to know."

Kathryn gives her a smug smile as she takes her first bite of Beverly's Eggs Benedict.

"Oh my god Beverly! This is amazing!"

"I thought you weren't hungry."

"I wasn't."

After dinner, they move back to the couch.

"Can I see your stomach?"

"That's quite a come on."

"I want to check your burn."

"Sweet talker!"

"Katie!"

"Fine." Kathryn pulls up her shirt to show the wound. Beverly tries not to notice that her shirt was pulled up higher than it needed to be. She gently applies more aloe, letting her fingers linger as she moves them away from the burn. Kathryn watches her face carefully.

"I like that," she says, her normally gravelly voice low."

"Are you sure?"

"Now who's thinking too much?"

"I just don't want to hurt you Katie."

Kathryn doesn't answer, she just moves into Beverly and kisses her. Her hand falls lightly on Beverly's breast.

"I thought that would feel good." Katie whispers.

"It does."

She smiles as she feels Beverly's nipple begin to harden under her hand.

"Yes, it does. Help me to the bedroom?"

She leans hard on Beverly as they walk, not wanting to let go. Once there, Beverly helps her remove her boots. Her hand travels up the back of Kathryn's calf. Kathryn stares at her. She feels a tingle in her stomach. The warmth spreads through her. It awakens a need she hasn't felt in many years. She reaches her hands, wrapping them in Beverly's hair, pulling her back up. The look in Beverly's eyes gives her goosebumps.

"Beverly…I, I've never done this before. I couldn't have ever imagined me being here. But here I am. And you are here and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. I just wish I knew what to do next."

"Just stop thinking," Beverly whispers as she presses her mouth to Kathryn's.

Kathryn pulls Beverly down to the bed. Her hand finds its way up the back of Beverly's shirt. Beverly groans at the touch. She's lying half onto Kathryn now. Her hand finds Kathryn's hip and Kathryn presses herself harder, her fingers digging into Beverly's back. Beverly begins to kiss down the side of her neck.

"Beverly…" Kathryn murmurs.

"Hmmm."

"Beverly," her voice is more urgent now. "I think, I need… Beverly, I think I'm going to vomit!"


	15. Too Much

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry. Let's get you up." Beverly says, springing into action.

"Hurry…"

They stumble together to the bathroom where Kathryn falls down in front of the toilet. Beverly pulls her hair back and sits next to her. There is nothing to do until she is done. Finally, Kathryn collapses on to her. Beverly carefully wipes her face and kisses her forehead.

"Better?"

"No. Not really."

"Are you ready to go back to bed? I mean to sleep."

Kathryn laughs weakly.

"If you don't mind, I think I'd like to stay here for a while. I haven't thoroughly examined this floor yet."

"Well, if that's the only reason, I suppose it's OK."

"Beverly?"

"Hmm?"

"Go to bed."

"What?"

"You don't need to sit here with me. I can handle this. One of us should sleep. You need to sleep. You still need to work."

"I'm not leaving you Katie."

"Well then could you at least get me a clean nightgown?"

"Of course."

By the time she gets back, Kathryn is sick again. When she is done, Beverly helps her dress and wraps her in a quilt. She pulls Kathryn into her lap and leans back against the wall to try to rest.

"This really sucks."

Beverly smiles sadly. "I know," she says, pulling her fingers through Kathryn's long brown hair. "I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"It kind of is."

"We knew this would happen. I just wish the timing had been a little bit better. My first dates usually go better than that."

"It's OK. It will happen when and if it's supposed to happen. Until then, we need to concentrate on getting you well."

"So you can take advantage of me?"

"Indubitably."

Beverly manages, finally, in the early hours of the morning, to fall asleep, still holding Kathryn on her lap. Kathryn tries to slip out of her grasp to be sick one more time. Beverly startles awake.

"Katie? Again?"

"Take me to Medical. Please."

"Is it that bad? Why didn't you say anything?"

Kathryn shakes her head. "It's too much.

"What is too much?"

"This. All of this. I asked too much." She has tears streaming down her face. Beverly gently wipes them.

"It's not Katie. I wouldn't have done it if it was."

"That's not true. I took advantage. I was being selfish. I put you at risk and now this. You can't do this. Not by yourself. You haven't slept, you've been up all night. It's too much. It's not fair to you."

"I can do this Katie. I'll take you to Medical, if that's what you want. They'll take good care of you. But I won't leave you there either. So it won't make any difference to me."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you asked me to. Because I have to. Katie I…" She shakes her head. "I don't know. I just do. I care about you. I'll do what it takes to make you better. Katie, look at me."

Kathryn takes a deep breath, tries to control her emotions as she looks at Beverly.

"What do you want Katie? What is it that you really want?"

Kathryn's voice is soft, almost inaudible. "I want to stay here."

"Good. Then it's settled. You think we can get you to bed now? You need to get some rest."


	16. I Know What You're Doing

Kathryn is sound asleep when Beverly starts the next treatment. She straps the infuser on then leaves to get some work done. When she returns several hours later, it is done. Kathryn is still sleeping. She is gently spreading aloe over the new burn when Kathryn's hand suddenly grabs hers.

"Don't you touch me!"

"What? I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"I said don't touch me!" Kathryn says again, her voice cold and hard.

"Ok, I was just trying to…"

"I know what you're trying to do. I'm on to you and your perverted little game."

"What? Katie? I don't understand." Kathryn's fingers are digging hard into her wrist, hurting her. She pulls it away.

"It's Kathryn! Only my dad called me Katie. No one else, especially not you!"

"OK. Kathryn. Are you OK? Do you want me to get you something? How about some ginger tea? It will help settle your stomach."

"You would like that, wouldn't you? Well I'm not drinking anything you make. Ever."

Kay…Kathryn, I want to help, tell me what's going on."

"What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on!" She is almost yelling now, the force of her anger makes Beverly take a step backwards.

"I'm on to you. I've got it all figured out. This! All of this! It's a con, a ruse. I went to you with a simple sprained ankle and you created this whole thing. Brain spiders…" She laughs sardonically.

"Why would I do that? Kathryn, can't you see what's going on here…"

"Why? Why? Control. That's what it's all about." Her voice is even louder now. "You want me weak. Helpless. Completely under your control. That's why you created all of this. To keep me here. To play along in your sick fantasy. You told me I'm dying and you're the only one who can cure it. Then you seduced me. You made me sick and dependent so you can keep me here as your subservient little sex slave. Well NO MORE! As soon as I can, I'm leaving and I'm reporting you to the authorities. You will be sorry you ever messed with me. Now get out!"

"Kathryn…"

"I SAID GET OUT!"


	17. What I Need

Beverly leaves Kathryn without a word, pulling the door shut behind her. She hears Kathryn get up to be sick again. She wants to go to her, comfort her but she's afraid that Kathryn is still angry, that she still believes what she was saying is true. She can't help the tears that come.

Beverly is sitting on the end of the sofa, one leg is pulled up, her arms wrapped around it. A cup of tepid tea balances on her knee. She is staring out at the grey water of San Francisco Bay. Kathryn comes to sit next to her. She doesn't say anything. Beverly doesn't acknowledge her. Finally Kathryn breaks the silence.

"I'm sorry Beverly."

The other woman doesn't move.

"Beverly?" She puts her hand gently on Beverly's shoulder. "I don't know what that was about. I didn't mean it. You know that. Right?"

Beverly shrugs.

"Look at me. Please?"

Beverly finally turns toward her. Kathryn is shocked to see her eyes red and swollen from crying.

"Oh Beverly. Honey. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. I don't know what came over me. I was just suddenly so angry. All I could think about was getting away from here, from you, from the whole situation."

She thinks for a few seconds.

"Was that Mara? You said she might fight back. Was that her?"

Beverly nods. "I'll need to run a scan but yeah. She likely tapped into your amygdala."

"The part of the brain that controls anger? I suppose that makes sense. But that means the treatment is working right? She's trying to get me to quit. So that means it's affecting her."

Beverly nods again.

"So this is a good thing then. Why aren't you happy? You don't still think I meant any of that?"

Another shrug.

"Beverly…"

"The words were yours Kathryn. Mara, she can make you feel the anger but you chose the words to go with it."

"No. NO! I have never, would never, Beverly no. I don't think those things. I don't know how but that was Mara. Not me. Please believe me. I care about you. I really do. I appreciate everything you've done. I want to be here. I want to continue. Beverly, I can't do this without you. I will die without you."

She thinks about what she just said.

"I think I mean that. That I would die without you. Literally. And figuratively. I need you Beverly. Please?"

Beverly finally melts. Tears are on her face again as she pulls Kathryn into a hug.

"I need you too Kathryn."

"Katie. I want you to call me Katie."


	18. Two More Days

V18

Beverly gets out her tricorder and scans Kathryn's head.

"Can you tell?"

"Not yet. But I think you're right. We got her attention."

Kathryn sighs. "I was hoping for something a bit more dramatic."

Beverly laughs. "I don't know. I think I've had enough drama for one morning."

She makes Kathryn a cup of ginger tea with honey. Kathryn protests but Beverly promises, if it settles her stomach, she can have some coffee. "With milk. At least it will have some sort of nutrition." Kathryn makes a face but she drinks her tea.

Beverly manages to get a bit of chicken soup in her as well before tucking her into bed for a nap. Kathryn only agrees if Beverly stays and naps along with her. It's not too hard to sleep with Kathryn's warm body tucked tight into hers.

Kathryn begins to squirm, waking Beverly. She becomes concerned as Kathryn becomes more and more agitated. Suddenly, Kathryn sits up, screaming, clawing at her face and arms. Beverly tries to stop her and gets a forearm across the face for her trouble. She runs to prepare a hypospray in case Kathryn doesn't calm down.

When she comes back, Kathryn has scratched her arms and face raw and is still hysterical. She presses the spray to Kathryn's neck and lets her breath out as Kathryn finally starts to relax.

"Spiders." Kathryn whimpers. "Get them off. Please. Get them off."

"They're gone now," Beverly tries to soothe her. "They're gone."

"Mara?"

"Probably."

"She's scaring me Beverly."

"She's trying to. Don't let her get to you. Focus on what's real."

"I can't tell what's real anymore."

"Then focus on me. I'm real. I'm here. I've got you."

Kathryn peers at her.

"Your face? What happened to your face?"

Beverly gingerly touches her cheek where a knot has raised.

"It's nothing. Just a bump."

Kathryn gently traces the bruise with her finger.

"Did I do that?"

"I told you it's nothing. I'll put some ice on it. First I want to fix you up." She says, referring to the cuts on Kathryn's arms.

"You can't keep doing this Beverly. I could really hurt you."

"I'm OK."

"What if it gets worse?"

"It probably will."

"That's comforting."

Kathryn touches Beverly's face again.

"What if I can't do this? What if I'm not strong enough?"

"Two more days. That's all it will be. Just two more days."

"Promise?"

Her voice is so soft, so full of hurt and doubt. Beverly can't help but lie to her.

"I promise."


	19. Visitors

V19

Beverly is sitting, reading softly out loud while Kathryn leans against her, dozing. They are startled by the bell on her door. Kathryn looks at her, wide-eyed and Beverly shrugs.

"I haven't told anyone you're here. Don't worry."

She goes to the door and sees a tall, dark skinned Vulcan with a tall blonde woman.

"Let them in." Kathryn tells her. "I know them."

As she opens the door, the Vulcan introduces himself.

"I am Tuvok. This is Seven of Nine. We are from Voyager. I believe Captain Janeway is here?"

Beverly nods.

"The captain explained the situation but, as your scans will show, Vulcans carry no illnesses which are communicable to humans. Seven's Borg implants prevent her from all pathogens. I believe we are 'safe' to visit."

Beverly eyes Seven suspiciously but she lets them in. Kathryn is overjoyed to see her friends.

"Tuvok! Seven! How nice. It's good to see you both."

"You as well Captain," Tuvok says. "You look…"

"I look like shit Mr. Tuvok. There is no need for platitudes."

"As you wish Captain. We bring greetings from the entire crew. They wish for you to be well."

"How much do they know?"

"Not much. Only that you are being treated here on Earth. We have scanned every member of the crew. There is no sign of your disease in any others."

Kathryn lets out her breath. "Well thank goodness for that. Do you have any idea where I might have picked this thing up?"

"We do not. The Doctor is attempting to discover the point of infection. He believes it may have been on the away mission to the planetoid in the Delarian system."

Beverly laughs. "A captain on an away mission? I thought that was frowned upon."

Tuvok turns to her. "Captain Janeway has never been a fan of that particular rule. She can be…headstrong."

"Tell me about it!"

Seven has grown tired of the conversation and begins to wander around Beverly's apartment. Beverly finds her in the kitchen.

"Do you cook?"

"No. I have experimented on the holodeck but I do not require organic food to survive although I have observed food preparation many times. I find your kitchen interesting. It is very different than the one which Neelix used to prepare food on Voyager."

"Neelix? I don't remember seeing that name on your crew roster."

Kathryn explains. "Neelix stayed in the Delta Quadrant. He was a Talaxian. He joined us as a guide but when we had to conserve replicator energy, he took it upon himself to feed the crew. I do miss him. He was a funny little guy. Brilliant. Kind. The smell took some getting used to."

"Indeed." Tuvok agrees.

Seven speaks to Beverly. "You are the doctor who disassembled Locutus."

"I didn't 'disassemble' anyone." Beverly bristles. "Captain Picard was human. I merely returned him to the way he was before. You are no longer a part of the collective?"

"I am still Borg."

"Is that why you kept your implants?"

"Many are vital to my survival. Others I find useful."

"Do you mind if I ask more questions?"

"I don't mind."

"Good. Why don't you help me make some vegetable soup? We can let them talk." She says, gesturing to Kathryn and Tuvok who are deep in conversation.

"Agreed."


	20. A Million Bars of Gold Pressed Latinum

Beverly and Seven bring bowls of soup and a loaf of sour dough bread to the table. Kathryn and Tuvok join them. Beverly offers Kathryn a hypospray to settle her stomach.

"I thought we weren't going do anything for Mara?"

"You need to eat. And get some rest tonight."

"Mara?" Seven asks.

Kathryn nods. "It's what I named the parasite."

Seven looks confused. "I don't understand. Humans give personal names to diseases?"

"No. Not usually. But in this case, she, Mara, she seems like a person to me. It helps to think of her as the enemy, someone to defeat in a battle."

"I think I understand," Seven replies. "By anthropomorphizing the disease, you are able to relate to it in a personal way."

"Something like that."

Tuvok and Seven leave to take news of Kathryn's health back to Voyager while she and Beverly settle again on the couch.

"How do you feel?"

"Like a million bars of gold pressed latinum."

"Be serious."

"I am always serious. Really, I feel fairly decent right now. Whatever you gave me for my stomach is helping."

"Enough that you'll be able to sleep?"

Kathryn hesitates.

"I'm scared to sleep. The last two times I slept…"

"Tonight will be different."

"You don't know that."

Beverly sighs. "No. You're right. I don't but I will be there, with you. Whatever happens, we'll deal with it, just like we've dealt with everything else."

Kathryn shakes her head.

"The last times, Beverly I hurt you. Both times. With my words and then this." She touches Beverly's bruised cheek. "I'm not scared for myself. I'm scared for you. I don't want to hurt you. Not again."

Beverly smiles softly. "I can handle it Katie."

"What if I do something worse? Something awful? What if Mara does something? What if…."

Beverly pulls her close. "You have to be positive Katie. That's the only way we can be sure to win. Focus on what's real. You're real and I'm real and that's all that matters. Will you come to bed now? With me?"

Kathryn nods. "OK."


	21. I Thought You Loved Me

V21

Kathryn sleeps until the early hours of the morning before the sickness forces her out of bed. Once settled back in, Beverly finds she can't sleep and leaves to work in the front room. She is surprised to see Kathryn up several hours later. Kathryn greets her enthusiastically.

"Beverly! Good morning! It's a beautiful day today. We should go for a walk. Look! I can walk!" She does a pirouette in the middle of the floor.

"It's gone. Mara is gone. I knew it. I can walk. I can dance." She does another spin then reaches her hand for Beverly to take. "The Dancing Doctor! Did you know I dance too? Ballet. We should dance. Come dance with me Beverly!"

Beverly shakes her head. "I'm glad you're feeling better Katie, but I think we should wait a while before that. Do you want some coffee before we start?"

"Start what? The treatment? I don't need it. I told you. It's gone. I'm fine! Look. I can dance."

Beverly raises her hand to stop her from spinning wildly again.

"I know Katie. It's gone. Indulge me though. It will make me feel better, to do just one more, just to be sure."

Kathryn gives her a suspicious look. "Don't you believe me?"

"Of course I believe you. Why wouldn't I?"

"Then we agree. I don't need any more treatments? Oh Beverly I feel so good. I haven't felt this good in years!"

"I imagine you haven't. You're quite high."

Kathryn laughs. "Of course I am! I beat the unbeatable. With your help." Her tone changes drastically. No longer jovial, her voice is now husky.

"You know what we should do to celebrate don't you. Come Beverly. Come to me."

She grabs Beverly's hand and pulls her to her feet. Immediately, she has her body pressed to Beverly's, her mouth searching hungrily. As she kisses her, her hands move inside Beverly's shirt, feathering the skin on her stomach. The kiss intensifies, her hands become more desperate, her fingers close around Beverly's breast and Beverly groans loudly.

"Katie…"

"Shhh…I want you. I want to put my hands all over you. I want to feel your hands on me. Beverly, I want you to touch me. Please.

She kisses Beverly hungrily again and she begins to roll Beverly's nipple between her fingers. Beverly feels her knees weaken and Kathryn tries to push her down onto the couch.

"No. Not here." Beverly mumbles. "Not the first time."

Kathryn changes directions and they stumble towards the bed room. Inside the door, Beverly turns Kathryn hard to the wall next to her dresser. This time she presses the kiss, one of her hands massages Kathryn's buttocks while Kathryn begins to unbutton Beverly's shirt. She doesn't notice Beverly's hand slip into the top drawer of the dresser.

Beverly turns her quickly and pushes her several steps before they tumble into the bed together. They roll until Kathryn is on top, she stares at the skin exposed by Beverly's open blouse before lowering herself to taste one of Beverly's breasts. Beverly groans again as Katie's hot mouth makes contact with the sensitive flesh. Slowly she brings her hand up. She lets her fingers brush tenderly against Kathryn's neck. She presses the hypospray to the spot adjacent to the carotid artery.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

Kathryn screams.

"What did you do?"

"I'm sorry," Beverly says again. "I had to. I want this to be you. Just you."

"I thought you loved me!" Kathryn wails as the drugs begin to take effect.

Beverly rubs her finger tenderly across Kathryn's cheek.

"I do Katie. That's why I need to do this."

She has tears in her eyes as she leaves to prepare the next treatment.


	22. Lost in the Ice

V21

Beverly is busy working at her computer when she hears Kathryn's voice. She closes her eyes, readying herself for what she might find. Kathryn's behavior has been so unpredictable that she has no idea what to expect. Still, she's surprised.

Kathryn's already small body looks tiny in the bed. Her face is white and covered in sweat. In spite of the blankets pulled to her chin, she is shivering almost violently. Beverly runs to her.

"Katie. Are you OK? What's wrong?"

"I don't feel well," Kathryn tells her, her voice weak.

"I don't imagine." Beverly says as she does a quick scan. "You're running a high fever."

"My head hurts."

"I know. I'll get you something." Beverly tenderly wipes the hair where it's plastered to Kathryn's forehead. "First we need to get your temperature down."

She runs a cool bath while she detaches the treatment infuser and undresses her friend. She has to bear almost all of Kathryn's weight as she walks her to the bathroom. Once there, she undresses and helps Kathryn into the tub. She has to sit and support Kathryn to keep her upright in the water.

"I'm so cold."

"I know. We'll get you out soon."

"Is this Mara?"

"No. Not this time. You remember the treatments would attack your immune system? I think you've picked up an infection.'

"From Tuvok?"

"More likely me."

"Oh." She laughs weakly. "I knew it was a bad idea to kiss you."

"Very."

Kathryn is quiet for a bit. When she speaks again, she is stronger yet her voice seems far away.

"I saw him you know."

"Who? Who did you see?"

"My father."

"And where is he?"

"He's in the ice."

Beverly has no answer to that. She waits.

"He needs me."

"I understand."

"You don't."

"I'm trying."

"I need to find him. He needs me."

"In the ice?"

"Yes. He's lost. I need to go find him."

"We will. Together. When you're better. We'll find him."

"In the ice?"

Beverly pulls her closer. "Yes. In the ice."

The words placate Kathryn and she starts to relax. With her fever down, Beverly gets her out of the tub and dresses her, then walks her back to the bed.

"How's the head?"

"It's better."

"Do you think you can sleep?"

Kathryn nods. Beverly pulls the quilt back up and tucks it around Kathryn's body. She kisses her on the forehead. "I'll be in the other room if you need me." Kathryn's eyes are already closed. Satisfied that things are calm for now, Beverly leaves her.

Beverly is sitting on the couch. A purring LuLu on her lap has lulled her into a semi-conscious state. She is startled awake by a comm message.

[Commander Tuvok to Dr. Crusher.]

"This is Dr. Crusher."

[Doctor, Captain Janeway has just beamed herself aboard Voyager]


	23. Relieved of Command

V 23

Beverly throws a disgruntled LuLu to the floor and runs to the bedroom. Kathryn is gone and, after checking the contents of the upturned drawer on her bed, so is her emergency transporter key and a hypospray filled with sedative.

"She stole my site to site transporter key" she calls out.

[That would explain her presence here] Tuvok answers her.

[She is insisting we depart immediately]

"Can you stall her?"

[It will take several hours to recall the crew from shore leave. That answer seems to have satisfied her for the time being]

"Perfect. How is she?"

[She looks like shit]

Beverly laughs. "Can you beam me directly to her?"

[Stand by]

Beverly feels the familiar buzz of the transporter beam as her molecules are disassembled and sent through subspace before reassembling on the bridge of the Voyager. She takes a quick look around the room. Voyager is docked so only a few crew members are present. Conn and Ops are empty. Commander Tuvok is at his station behind the captain's chair. On the floor in front is the prone body of an officer wearing the red uniform of command. Kneeling next to him is another man, this one bald and wearing blue science but no indication of rank. Several security officers stand nervously near the turbolift doors.

In the center of it all is Captain Janeway. She has dressed herself in her uniform but it is obvious it was not done with care. Her hair is down and disheveled. Her face is pale and covered in sweat. She is on the edge of the command chair, her eyes wild, waving her stolen hypospray as a weapon.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, her voice cold and hard.

"I came to help."

"You've helped enough. Get off my ship."

"Ok. I will. I just need to help this man here."

Beverly gestures to the unconscious man on the floor. Without taking her eyes from Kathryn, she kneels down next to him. "What happened?" she asks the man attending him.

"This is Commander Chakotay. He attempted to take the hypospray from Captain Janeway." The man explains.

Beverly nods. "He'll be ok. It was just a sedative. He'll have a doozy of a headache but he should be fine in a couple of hours."

The man stands up and addresses Tuvok.

"Please beam Commander Chakotay directly to sick bay. I will join him shortly."

He stands and addresses Beverly. "And who exactly are you?"

Beverly stands and offers her hand. "Dr. Beverly Crusher. Am I to assume that you are the EMH?"

The Doctor eyes her suspiciously. "I am."

"Good. I need your help."

"First you need to explain to me exactly what is going on here."

"Later. Right now, I need you to take the hypospray from the Captain so we can take her to Sick Bay."

"Why me?"

"Because you are a holograph. It will have no effect on you. If I do it…" She glances to the spot where Chakotay had been.

"I see your point. However, I have no reason to do as you ask. She is my commanding officer and she has asked everyone to stand back."

Beverly narrows her eyes. "She's sick. We need to get her out of here. Relieve her of duty if you have to."

"On what grounds?"

"Oh for god's sake." Beverly mumbles. "Computer. Recognize Doctor Beverly Crusher. Chief Medical Officer StarFleet Medical. Alpha Omega Pi 1201."

*Recognize Dr. Beverly Crusher*

"Please remove Captain Kathryn Janeway from command of USS Voyager"

*On what grounds?*

Beverly glances at Kathryn. Her eyes are wide and fearful. She's slowly shaking her head. "Please. Please don't. Please Beverly. Don't."

Beverly takes a deep breath. "Computer, please remove Captain Janeway from command due to her refusal to do a routine fitness exam until such time as the exam is completed."

Kathryn falls back into her chair in relief. Beverly steps toward her and holds out her hand. With a sigh of resignation, she hands the hypospray over. Beverly kneels next to her and puts her hand on Kathryn's leg.

"It's going to be OK. Let's go down to Sick Bay. Your fever is back. We need to get you cooled off."

Kathryn takes her hand. "Ok."


	24. Second Opinion

V24

Beverly makes herself at home in Voyager's sickbay as she helps Kathryn onto a biobed and sets up a cooling field around her. The Doctor watches with a frown as she begins to run a series of scans. She finishes by wiping the hair from Kathryn's face and whispering to her. The Doctor has had enough.

"Ahem. Doctor Crusher. May I see you for a moment?"

Beverly nods and gives Kathryn a kiss on the forehead. The Doctor pulls her out of Kathryn's hearing.

"Doctor Crusher. You may have taken command of Voyager, but this is still my sick bay and I do not appreciate you barging in here."

"I'm sorry," Beverly tells him. "You're right. I wouldn't have stood for that in my sick bay either. I'm just very concerned about the Captain. Her fever is high and we need to get that under control before we can move forward with her treatments."

"Yes. About that. I have concerns on that subject as well. I have seen no information to support your diagnosis of Dulugal Guddagan Mara which, as you know, is quite rare. In addition, I have spent a great deal of my time searching for a point of infection and have found none. Nothing. Nada. Nyet. Nein. Ie…"

"I get it!" Beverly says. "Are you questioning my diagnosis?"

"In a word, yes. Si. Da…"

Beverly glares and the Doctor stops talking. She pulls out her tricorder and hands it to him.

"Do what you need to do. Run any tests you need to run. I'm satisfied with my diagnosis but it doesn't hurt to have another look. I'll be with the Captain."

The Doctor finishes reviewing Beverly's information and comes to find her. Kathryn is sleeping, her fever finally down. Beverly is staring absently at the colored lights blinking on the biobed. The Doctor puts his hand on her shoulder.

"You look like you could use a cup of coffee."

"That sounds wonderful."

"Good. Go get one and come back. I wish to discuss this with you further."

Beverly gives him a dirty look. "That's quite a personality they programmed you with."

The Doctor smiles. "Actually, I was given the personalities and skills of 3 doctors. Leonard McCoy, Dalen Quaice and Beverly Crusher."

"I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not," Beverly says with a shake of her head.

Beverly replicates a cuppa then follows the Doctor to his office and waits for him to start.

"I have reviewed your data and I second your diagnosis of Dulugal Guddagan Mara, however I find your treatment plan highly unethical and dangerous. I demand that you stop immediately."

Beverly fights her temper. "I see. Unless you have another treatment proposal, we will continue with this one."

"As Chief Medical Officer of this vessel, I cannot let you do this."

"You do realize that I outrank you."

"I will get Commander Chakotay."

"I currently am in command of this ship."

"I will report you to StarFleet Medical."

"Go ahead. At the same time you can explain exactly what is wrong with Captain Janeway, against her specific orders. And most certainly ruining her career."

The Doctor opens his mouth to counter but shuts it when he realizes he has nothing. "I see your point."

"Good. Now, I propose we work together on this. You might be one third me but I'm sure the rest of you has some ideas that I haven't come up with yet."


	25. Still My Patient

V25

The Doctor thinks for a minute.

"Actually, I do have something to add. I have reviewed all of your data and, in spite of my objections, yours does seem to be a valid treatment for the Dulugal Guddagan Mara."

"Just Mara."

"What?"

"Her name. Mara. Easier that way."

The Doctor scowls. "Fine, The Mara. As I was saying, your treatment seems to have been effective, to a point. What concerns me is the state of the Captain mentally and physically. The treatment seems to have taken quite a toll on her after only three days."

"I agree. What did you mean 'to a point'?"

"Well, I do believe that your theory is correct, that the Dulu…the Mara, can be driven out by poisoning its food supply. You're treatment has caused quite a ruckus as evidenced by the Captain's highly disturbing behavior. I do not, however, think that it is enough to achieve a cure."

"I was planning on continuing for as long as necessary."

"I agree that could be effective but I do not think that the Captain will be able to sustain for more than another day or two."

"She's tough," Beverly says.

"Yes. Yes she is. However, all of the current data indicates that her body and her mind will continue to degrade quickly."

"So what do you propose?"

The Doctor outlines his plan. Beverly falls back into her chair, stunned. It takes her a few seconds to find her voice.

"That's insane!"

"No more insane that what you were doing."

"Maybe. Maybe not. It's so extreme. Kathryn is going to hate it."

The Doctor raises his eyebrow at Beverly's use of the Captain's first name but he doesn't say anything.

"I don't think we should give her the choice. This is the most efficient, and likely the only method, for a complete cure. Shall I tell her?"

Beverly shakes her head. "No. I'll do it. She's still my patient


	26. Mara's Influence

V26

Beverly, heading back into Sick Bay, she notices a dark haired man sitting with Kathryn. He is holding her hand in one of his own while he smooths her hair with the other. With a knot in her stomach, she watches Kathryn smile as the man leans close to say something in her ear. Kathryn waves her over.

"Beverly! This is Chakotay, my first officer."

Chakotay stands and offers his hand. Beverly recognizes him as the man who had been on the losing end of the hypospray battle on the bridge. She introduces herself and he smiles.

"It's good to meet you Doctor. Kathryn has been telling me about the good care you've been taking of her. I want to let you know how much I appreciate it."

Beverly smiles though she doesn't feel much like it.

"It's my job. I'm happy to help."

"Did you need to speak with her?"

"No. I have some work I need to do first." She turns and hurries out of sick bay before Kathryn can call for her.

She finds the lounge and replicates herself a cup of tea. The room is empty and Beverly is grateful for the quiet. It gives her time to think. Seeing Kathryn and Chakotay so close brought up feelings that she doesn't quite understand. She has no right to feel jealous and yet she does. She's only known Kathryn a couple of days. Chakotay has known her for years. They obviously became very close during their time in the Delta Quadrant. Seven years is a long time. They may very well have had an intimate relationship. They may still. Chakotay's gestures certainly seemed quite intimate.

The more she thinks about it, the more she believes she's right. She realizes that she's never actually met just Kathryn. They both assumed that Kathryn was acting on her own when she first approached Beverly. What if she has been under Mara's control all along? Her refusal to seek treatment when symptoms first appeared certainly seem suspicious in this new light. And who walks on a broken ankle for days before seeing a doctor? What about this relationship they seem to have forged? Was that Mara's doing also? Certainly it wasn't anything Kathryn wanted. It's all been just another symptom, a product of Mara's manipulation. That and perhaps her own wishful thinking.

A decision made, she finishes her tea and walks back toward sick bay.


	27. Just Say Yes

V27

Beverly returns to sick bay to find Kathryn alone. She goes and sits with her.

"What did you tell the Doctor?" Kathryn asks. "Are we going back to your apartment now?"

"No. When you came back to Voyager, I had to turn over my notes. I can't protect you anymore. But the good news is that this is completely curable. StarFleet will have no issues with you when it's done. You can be treated more effectively here anyway. The Doctor and I have come up with a new plan, an alteration, one that we feel certain will be successful."

"That's good news then?"

Beverly nods. "It is. But…"

"But what?"

"It's extreme. Much more so than what we've been doing. More dangerous but also more likely to work."

"OK. We can handle it. Tell me."

As she talks, Kathryn reaches for her hand.

"The Doctor reviewed the data and has concluded that, while the treatment we have been doing is working, it is not enough. It will take too long with no guarantee that Mara will be completely eradicated."

"So we make it enough?"

"Yes. But you're not strong enough."

"I am."

Beverly shakes her head. "No. You're barely holding it together physically and mentally. It's only been 3 days. To increase the intensity of the treatments, to extend the amount of time, it will kill you."

"Well, that would be counter-productive then wouldn't it?"

Beverly laughs. "Yes. It would be."

"So what then?"

The humor is gone again. "We put you in stasis for the duration."

Kathryn is confused. "I don't understand. Wouldn't that put Mara in stasis also? How could that work?"

"We put your body in stasis. Not your brain. Not Mara."

Kathryn pulls her hand back.

"My brain would be active? While my body is not? I would be aware? The pain? The hallucinations?"

Beverly nods.

"No. Absolutely not. There has to be another way."

Beverly looks away.

"Beverly? Please! Tell me there's another way!"

Beverly still won't look at her and she gives in.

"Can I think about it?"

"Of course. Just let the Doctor know what you decide."

"Why not you?"

Beverly sighs. "I'm handing this off. The Doctor knows everything I do now. He designed the treatment plan. You'll stay here in his sick bay. You're in good hands."

Kathryn shakes her head.

"No. You're my doctor."

"Kathryn, this is going to be for a while. I have a job I need to get back to. I'll check on you, of course. Come visit if you want me to. But I'm out. Trust me. This is what's best."

Kathryn's eyes grow hard. "I'm not doing this unless you're here. That's it. That's my final word."

"You're not thinking clearly. My being here won't make any difference."

"It will for me. You treat me or I won't do it."

"You're very stubborn you know that?"

"I've been told."

"Do you always get what you want?"

"Usually."

"You'll change your mind?"

"Never."

"You're giving me no choice here."

"That's the idea."

"Katie, I don't think…"

Kathryn glares at her. "Damn it Beverly! Just say yes."

"Fine! I'll stay. Just a couple of days though. Just until we know that this is going to work."

"Good. Now help me get out of here and to the mess. I'm starving."


	28. Ice and Glaciers

V28

Sitting across from each other in the mess, Beverly watches while Kathryn eats.

"You're not hungry?"

Beverly shakes her head.

"No. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Kathryn finishes and moves to sit next to Beverly in the booth. She takes her hand. Beverly doesn't stop her.

"I died once."

"Only once?"

Kathryn smiles. "Maybe twice. Seriously though. It was only for a short time but in my mind it was days. I was back on Voyager. I walked among my friends. I saw my memorial service. I was there but no one could see me, hear me."

"It sounds horrible."

"Is that what it's going to be like? Will I be aware of everyone but they won't be able to hear me?"

"I honestly don't know."

Kathryn thinks about that for a minute.

"I saw my father then. He came to take me. He called it the other side. Only it wasn't my father. Not really."

"Tell me about him."

"My father?" Kathryn shrugs. "He died when I was a kid."

"Were you close?"

"I loved him. He was everything to me. I'm quite a bit older than my sister. She never knew him like I did. He was my world. And I was his. He used to say I was the best thing that ever happened to him."

"You're lucky you had him."

"It wasn't enough. He still left. He still died."

"It was. He was an explorer. It's who he was. It wasn't about you. He loved you."

"He died on Tau Ceti Prime."

"In the ice?"

Kathryn nods. "He was testing a ship. Under the polar ice. It failed. They all drowned."

"I'm sorry."

Kathryn curls herself up against Beverly.

"He used to take me on trips. Hiking. I hated it. When I was 11, he took me to see the Athabasca Glacier in Canada. Have you ever been there?"

"No."

"He wanted me to love the ice. Like he did. I couldn't. It was cold and hard. I didn't see the beauty. My world was mathematics. I loved the perfection. It made sense. And space. Space was where the equations were perfect. Space made sense."

"It doesn't though."

"No. But I didn't understand that then. It was unknown. That was exciting to me in a way that nature could never be. The next day we hiked to a lake. I complained the whole way. I wanted to be home with my books. I thought there was nothing there to learn. When we finally got to the lake, when I saw it for the first time, I finally understood."

"What? What did you understand?"

"Beauty. Perfection."

"Tell me."

Kathryn closes her eyes. She is at the lake, seeing it for the first time once again.

"It was a glacial lake. Too cold for it to be muddied by plants and fish. Fed only by the rain and the ice. It was a pure, intense, blue I had never seen before. One I could never have even imagined. The dissolved minerals from the rock in the glacier made it milky. Creamy depths surrounded by caerulean blue. I've seen many wonders of the Universe. Deep space nebulas, the exotic oceans of far away planets. Nothing has ever compared to those colors that are burned into my memory."

She pauses, waiting, but Beverly doesn't ask. She puts her hand on Beverly's cheek and turns her face. She stares into Beverly's eyes.

"Until now. When I look in your eyes. That's what I see. The perfect blue. The color that I dream about."


	29. A Very Long Time

V29

In spite of her misgivings, Beverly finds herself kissing Kathryn. It feels so right to have Kathryn in her arms, her body held tight. She pushes the thoughts of Chakotay and Mara and her job out of her mind. All she wants is to stay in this moment, be with this woman. She knows it won't last but she doesn't care.

Kathryn lays her head against Beverly's shoulder and pulls her arm tight around her.

"You don't have to stay."

"I said I would."

"I made you say that. It was wrong. I was being manipulative and selfish."

"You're scared."

"Still…I'll do the treatment. Whether you're here or not."

"I'll be here tomorrow. At least to see things go as planned. Make sure you're going to be OK."

"That will make me feel better."

Beverly pulls her arm tighter.

"Me too."

"What about Commander Chakotay?"

"What about him?"

Beverly takes a deep breath, she needs to know, she knows it will hurt but she can't make any decisions about staying until she knows.

"You two seem very close."

"Are you asking me if Chakotay and I are in a relationship?"

Beverly nods.

"I wouldn't be here now if we were. Chakotay and I are close. I am with all of my crew. More so than most I suppose. When we were in the Delta Quadrant, we were all we had. We were looking at a lifetime before we would ever see our friends and families again. It brought us together as a family. People started to pair off. It was inevitable. It's human nature, to want to spend your life with someone. Chakotay, he let me know he was interested, for a time. But I was their captain. I had to put myself above that. My crew and my ship, getting them home. That had to be my priority."

"Spoken like a true captain."

"Chakotay and I are close, as friends, siblings even. It's been a very long time since I've loved anyone romantically."

"I understand."

"You think I'm lying?"

"Of course not. Why would you?"

"You don't believe me."

"You're scared. Dependent. That has a way of bringing out feelings, turning them with an intensity that you might not otherwise feel. It's hard to tell what is going on with you right now."

Kathryn thinks about that.

"You think I'm being influenced? By Mara?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

Kathryn's voice is a whisper. "I don't know."


	30. Decisions

Beverly stops short at the entrance to the waiting room. Jean-Luc, she expected, the woman next to him, she didn't. The woman jumps to her feet and moves quickly toward her, wrapping her in a tight hug.

"Bevy!"

"Lwaxana? What? How?"

"Your dear Jean-Luc called. William brought his company plane."

Beverly hugs her back.

"I'm sorry I didn't…"

"Oh you never mind that. You had Deanna to think about. How is she? Please tell me she's OK?"

Beverly nods.

"She's OK. She will be. It was the jugular. Just a knick. She lost a lot of blood. The surgery went well. She'll be ok. Still unconscious. Do you want to see her?"

Lwaxana wipes her tears. "Yes."

Beverly makes eye contact with Will, she wants to apologize to him too but he waves her off.

"Go. We'll talk later. Take care of Deanna."

When Beverly returns a few minutes later, Miles, Alyssa and Keiko have joined Jean-Luc and Will in the waiting room. She repeats the details for them then sits between Jean-Luc and Will. She stares at her hands where they rest on her knees, trying to think of something to say to Will. He puts his arm around her shoulder.

"Thank you."

She looks up, surprised.

"Will, I…I don't know what Deanna has told you, I…um…this may not be my place but I…"

He smiles.

"It's OK, Beverly. Deanna and I have talked. We're good. You and I. OK?"

She nods.

"Ok." She says quietly.

Miles leans forward in his chair.

"We've got an ID. Do you want to know? Or should I wait a bit?"

"No. I want to know."

Miles nods.

"He was in the system. Not for anything like this. Minor stuff. Shoplifting. Vagrancy. Intox. Seems he was on the streets for a while. No real flags. Found his nest too. Really sick stuff. Was in an old meat packing plant. Disgusting. Guys are still working but found lots of stuff. Still trying to ID it all. Your staff is on it. Guy was DOA. You knew that. Broken neck. Doc says C2-C3, whatever that means. She really beat the crap out of him. Bruised liver. Ruptured spleen. Broken ribs. Fractures around the left temple."

"That's my girl!" Will says with a laugh.

"Yeah. Never gonna piss her off. Doc says he took a nasty one to the balls too." Miles says with a grimace and all the men shift uncomfortably in their seats.

"What about the knife?" Beverly asks. "If she was so good, what went wrong?"

"Yeah. About that." Miles says. "Was a boning knife. Big one. You know. The kind butchers use to cut meat away. Things are razor sharp. Long and curved. Designed to cut through anything. Just bad luck, Doc says. Anything else would have barely left a scratch."

"So he really was a butcher then?"

"Nah. Trained for a while. Just enough to be dangerous. Got kicked for liking the job too much if you can believe that."

Beverly shakes her head. Trying to process everything.

"I just wish…I should have never left her alone. It's all my fault. None of this would have happened…"

Will grabs her arm, hard, forcing her to look at him.

"DON'T! Don't ever say that! Deanna makes her own choices. She always has. She doesn't need you or me or anyone else to take care of her. She only needs one thing from you and it's not your protection. Do you understand?!"

Beverly nods. Startled.

"Good. Then we understand each other."

She nods again and he puts his arm back around her.

Lwaxana comes back to the waiting room.

"She's awake," she announces. "Beverly she wants…"

Beverly shakes her head.

"No. Take Will. I can wait."

"Are you sure?" he asks.

She nods. "Yeah. Go. I want to talk to Jean-Luc for a minute. And I get her forever."


	31. I Am Thankful For You

V31

Kathryn holds tight to Beverly's hand as the Doctor explains exactly what is going to happen.

"We're going to put you into stasis, all of your bodily functions will be on hold. This should prevent the treatments from causing further damage to your tissue. At the same time, we will use cortical stimulators to activate your brain functions. Our theory is that this will keep the Mara active as well and therefore susceptible to the chemicals that we will keep on a constant infusion. Everything will be closely monitored to ensure your safety and progress."

"Will I be aware? Will I be able to feel? Hear? Think?"

"To be honest, we have no idea," the Doctor tells her. "This has never been tried before. It is not uncommon to put one part of the body in stasis for a treatment but never in this way. It has not known if the brain will continue to function normally when separated from the body in this way. It is entirely possible that you will have full consciousness. It is also possible that you will not. We also do not know whether or not you will be able to respond to a stimulus."

"So I'm the guinea pig here."

The Doctor sighs. "That term is woefully outdated but I suppose it is accurate."

Beverly offers an idea.

"What if we use a cortical monitor as well? We should be able to see the difference in brainwave patterns. Sleep vs wake. Response to stimuli. We can adjust based on that."

The Doctor nods. "That could work. Assuming it reads actual brainwaves and not the impulses from the cortical stimulator."

Kathryn interrupts. "Is there any way I can communicate? Let you know if there's something wrong?"

The Doctor starts to tell her no but Beverly over rides him. "If the monitor works, we can learn to read the differences in your brain waves. A communication of sorts."

"Do you have any other questions?"

Kathryn shrugs. "Besides how long which I know you can't tell me, I suppose not. I'm ready."

The Doctor takes a step toward her and she panics. "Wait! Can I have a moment? With Beverly?"

The Doctor and Chakotay step away. Kathryn looks to her friend.

"I just want you to know, no matter how this ends, I am thankful for you. You've done more for me than anyone should. You've become important to me."

Beverly tries to blink away her tears.

"You're important to me too. But don't worry OK? You can tell me again in a couple of days. Deal?"

Kathryn smiles. "Deal."

Beverly leans close and gives her a soft kiss. "Be well Katie." She turns away quickly, she doesn't want Kathryn to see her tears. Or her doubts. She waves for the Doctor to begin.


	32. Under The Circumstances

V32

Everything goes as planned. The Doctor is able to put Kathryn in stasis, freezing all of her bodily functions. They artificially stimulate the heart and lungs, to make sure that blood flow to the brain remains steady. The cortical stimulator, after several adjustments, brings about a normal brain function. The cortical monitor seems to reveal brain waves consistent to the ones recorded before the procedure began. Measurements on Mara's position, size and activity are carefully recorded.

Beverly breathes a sigh of relief. There is still uncertainty about the outcome of the treatment, but she is reasonably sure that Kathryn will survive the process. After a few hours rest, she runs a series of tests to determine exactly what Kathryn is aware of. Careful observation of the minor changes in brain wave patterns tell her that Kathryn can hear her voice and can also respond to touches to the hands and face. She can also see when Kathryn is agitated, bored and sleeping, which is often. Kathryn even learns to communicate, answering simple questions by changing the intensity of her thoughts.

At the end of the first day, Beverly says her good-byes and kisses Kathryn on the cheek. As she exits sick bay, she is met by Tuvok.

"Doctor Crusher. I was coming to find you. We have prepared a meal for you."

"That's very sweet Commander. I think I just need to go home and go to bed."

"There was nothing sweet about it. It is logical that you take your meals here. Not eating regularly will alter your mental and physical status and you will be of no use to the Captain. In addition, it would be prudent for you to stay here on Voyager. That way, we will not need to coordinate transporter schedules and you will be available to the Captain at all times, should she need your assistance."

Beverly smiles. "That does sound logical. I will have to go home and get my things. And find someone to take care of my cat."

"There is no need Doctor. I have anticipated your needs as well as the needs of your beast."

He raises his hands to show long green scratches on his hands and forearms.

"Although I do not understand how you can be companions with such a foul tempered creature, I have relocated her to your quarters."

Beverly laughs. "You just have to get to know her."

"Unlikely."

Beverly is surprised when Tuvok leads her to the deck where officers are quartered. He keys open the door and it is obvious that this is no visitor's room.

"Is this Kathryn's quarters?"

"It is. Voyager is a small ship. Most of our quarters are occupied. In addition, repairs to decks 4 and 6 have limited our space. Currently, many of our crew are in double occupancy as it is. Under the circumstances, I do not believe the Captain will mind if you stay in her quarters."

"Under the circumstances?" Beverly asks with a raised eyebrow. Tuvok scowls.

"You are her friend. You need a place to stay. She is not using them."

Beverly nods. "Yes. Those circumstances." She doesn't give Tuvok a chance to respond before walking away to explore exactly what necessities have been provided. She comes back holding LuLu. The dark skinned Vulcan visibly pales at the sight of the cat.

"I will have your supper sent to you. If you have no other concerns, I will leave you now."

Beverly watches him leave then turns her attention to LuLu.

"Well, this is awkward isn't it Little Girl. I suppose, under the circumstances, it will do. You're probably thrilled to be back on a ship aren't you?"

The cat purrs as Beverly feeds her, then goes to change her clothes while she waits for her dinner.

She spends her days with Kathryn, talking, reading, even singing softly to her. When Kathryn sleeps, she eats, tries to get some exercise, naps, anything to keep her going while the days and nights run together endlessly. Commander Chakotay works with StarFleet to keep Voyager in port for as long as he can. It's almost 6 weeks before anything of note happens.


	33. Blessings

They are several weeks into the treatment with no change in Kathryn's condition. Beverly is getting discouraged with the lack of progress. She is sitting alone at a table in the galley. She absently pushes food around her plate with a fork. Chakotay watches from across the room for a time before deciding to talk to her. He stands next to the table. When she doesn't respond, he tries to engage her.

"Food not to your liking?"

She finally looks up.

"What?"

"The food. Is it not good?"

"Oh. No, it's fine. It's just been a long day."

"They all are lately."

Again she doesn't answer.

"May I?" he asks, gesturing to a chair. She nods.

"I just came from seeing Kathryn," he says.

"She's doing well. As well as can be expected."

"I know. The Doctor told me."

"Thank you for spending time with her when I can't. I hate for her to be alone."

"It's no problem."

More silence.

"You're very dedicated to her."

"She's my patient."

"You spend this much time with all of your patients?"

"She's my only patient."

"I see."

"Kathryn and I have known each other a long time."

"I know."

"I love her."

Beverly has no answer to that. He sighs.

"I love her but Kathryn made her choice a long time ago. We would never be any more than friends. I am OK with that."

"She told me."

He's surprised by that.

"It's obvious that you care about her a great deal as well."

"She's a friend."

"I think she's more than a friend."

Beverly's eyes flash.

"Commander! I don't think this…"

"Hear me out," he interrupts her. "From the little I saw, she cares for you too. She trusts you. Kathryn is a very complicated woman. She doesn't give her trust, or her love, easily. The fact that she has chosen to give both to you is good enough for me. What I'm trying to say is, I know that it's none of my business but, if it matters, you have my blessing."

Beverly smiles.

"It does. And thank you Commander."

"Chakotay."

He places his hands flat on the table and starts to push himself to standing. She puts one of hers on his.

"Chakotay. Please stay. I could use a friend right now."


	34. We Did It

V34

Every morning Beverly wakes up. She showers and eats a quick breakfast, feeds LuLu and grabs a cup of coffee. She hurries down to Sick Bay where she goes straight to Kathryn.

She and the Doctor run the same tests every day. Besides a battery of health tests, they check Mara's size and exact placement in the brain. They carefully note even the minutest change.

For weeks, they've noticed just the slightest change. Mara was firmly entrenched in Kathryn's cerebellum. Her 'legs' spread throughout the brain, touching on centers controlling memory, movement, even emotion. There was some movement, as Mara tried to find a place safe from the chemicals that were being pumped into Kathryn's bloodstream.

The last couple of days, they've been noticing more activity than normal. They've also recorded more erratic readings from Kathryn's brainwave monitor. Agitation levels seem higher, sleep interrupted. Beverly suspects pain, even hallucinations. She tries to reassure Kathryn, the treatments are working. Mara is failing. It will all be over soon. Kathryn doesn't seem to respond to her words or her touches.

Beverly is reading aloud. She's already been through Kathryn's favorites, the Gothic romances. Austin. Bronte sisters. Radcliffe. Alin Dahe'el. Lately she's been reading hers, fantasy and sci-fi. Tolkein. Rowling, Asimov and T'mojl. She's knee deep in a Klingon mythology about M'ra'Vex and the battle of Maveg when the cortical scanner shows wild fluctuations in Kathryn's brain waves. She waves the Doctor over.

"What is it?" he asks. "I was just about to inject Ensign Norgd with her Orion flu vaccine."

"What do you make of this?"

He peers at the display. "Well, that certainly is interesting. Something seems to be happening."

He picks up a medical tricorder and begins to scan Kathryn's head.

"Oh. Oh dear. Mara seems to be moving. Quite quickly I may add."

"What? Let me see?"

She reaches for the tricorder and, after a brief tug of war, he releases it. She begins to track Mara's movements. All of a sudden, the tricorder and the brain wave scanner flash brightly and then go dim. At the same time, a small trickle of blood emerges from Kathryn's nose. She reaches with her thumb to wipe it away when the Doctor grabs at her arm.

"Dr. Crusher! No! Wait." He runs to get a small vial and carefully scrapes the fluid in. He caps the vial and puts it under a magnifying glass. With a big smile, he turns back to Beverly.

"I believe we have just given birth to a bouncing baby Mara!"

Beverly runs over to see for herself then goes back to Kathryn. She leans close, cupping Kathryn's cheeks in her hands.

"We did it Katie. Can you hear me? It's over. We did it."


	35. The Most Famous Doctors in the Galaxy

V35

After a brief discussion about the fate of Mara, the two doctors decide to keep her in containment for study. They congratulate themselves.

"Well, Dr. Crusher, you will have quite a paper to submit to Medical. You are the first to develop a cure for the Dulugal Guddagan Mara."

"We developed a cure."

"It was your idea."

"You refined it."

"Fine. We developed a cure."

"Yes we did! And we will submit the paper."

The Doctor smiles. "We will be famous. The Doctor and Crusher. The most famous doctors in the galaxy."

He stares off to the corner of the room. "We shall be celebrated throughout the Universe."

Beverly smiles and shakes her head. By the time the Doctor is done contemplating his celebrity, she is standing in front of Kathryn's still unconscious body.

"Shall we wake her up?" he asks. "Tell her the good news?"

Beverly shakes her head. "I think we should wait. Remove the stasis but sedate her. Let her body slowly adjust to life again. Besides, I want to do a full assessment of the damage that Mara may have left in her wake. And I imagine she's got a doozy of a headache. How about 20 ml of Lectrazine. That should do it."

He prepares the hypospray while she explains to Kathryn what the plan is. There is not much movement on the cortical scanner and Beverly is worried. She's anxious to begin the examination.

While the Doctor runs the brain scans, Beverly sits, watching, holding Kathryn's hand, feeling the warmth return as the blood begins to move again. And she worries. Worries that Mara's effects are permanent, that too much damage was done, that Kathryn won't be the person she thinks she knows.


	36. Together

V36

Beverly and the Doctor spend four days repairing as many of the damaged brain cells as they can. They finally decide that they have done all that they can, it's time to bring Kathryn back. Beverly's hand shakes as she presses the hypospray to Kathryn's neck.

She waits anxiously for the drugs to take effect. It's not long until Kathryn's eyelids begin to flutter. She holds Kathryn's hand, and her breath. Kathryn makes a low sound in her throat. The Doctor jumps in.

"Captain. Please do not try to talk. Or move. Or open your eyes. It has been a long time. While the stasis protected you from muscle and nerve damage, you will still feel the effects of weeks with no movement. In addition…" 

Beverly glares at him and he shuts his mouth.

"What the Doctor is trying to say," she says softly, "is that you're going to be stiff and sore so don't try to move too quickly. Take your time."

"Don't forget her eyes.."

Another look and he stops.

"The lights will be very bright at first. It may be painful so go slow. Don't force anything. We can wait all day if you need."

A slight movement of Kathryn's head lets on that she heard and understood. Beverly is ecstatic. She can't help but grin as Kathryn's eyes start to open. Her pupils immediately constrict to pin points and she quickly shuts them. She tries again, slower this time. They find Beverly's face and begin to focus. The corners of her mouth pull up slightly. Beverly leans close.

"There's those beautiful blue eyes."

A bit more of a smile. Beverly's tears fall on Kathryn's cheeks but neither care.

"You did it Katie. It's all over. You beat the unbeatable."

Another slight head movement, this time side to side. Her voice is barely a whisper but Beverly hears her loud and clear.

"We."

Beverly nods. "You're right. We did it. Together."


	37. Damn It Beverly!

Satisfied that Beverly has things in hand, the Doctor leaves the two women alone.

Beverly can't stop smiling.

"You're probably tired hearing my voice aren't you?"

Kathryn smiles back.

"Never."

Beverly's fingers tickle her cheek and Kathryn turns into them.

"Thank you. You kept me sane. Mostly sane." She smiles again. Her voice is still faint but it gets stronger with every word. "If I have to hear one more story about how Wesley saved the Enterprise…" she teases.

Beverly starts to apologize.

"No. I was kidding. I love your stories. You are very proud of him."

"I want you to meet him."

"I would love that."

Kathryn sees concern in Beverly's eyes.

"Tell me."

Beverly shakes her head.

"Not now. Later. Maybe."

"No. I need you to know. Nothing changed Beverly. Nothing. If anything, I feel stronger now."

"It's too soon Katie. To decide anything. You need time to think."

Kathryn rolls her eyes.

"I've had nothing but time to think. It's all I can think about. You asked me if I was being influenced. The answer is yes. By you. When you're here with me, I feel happy. Safe. Loved. When you're gone, I miss you. I count the seconds until I know you'll be back."

"Katie…"

Kathryn raises her hand. Her movements are labored, uncoordinated, but she finds Beverly's face.

"I love you Beverly. This is me. Not Mara, me. Telling you that I love you. I want you and I need you."

"I don't know what to say?"

"I can think of one thing."

"Katie…"

"Damn it Beverly. Just kiss me."


	38. Escape From Sickbay

V38

Beverly has managed to keep Kathryn calm and still in sick bay overnight but Kathryn is getting restless.

"When can I get up?"

"When you're ready."

"I'm ready."

"Move your legs."

"Damn you!"

Beverly laughs.

"Here. Let me help."

She starts at Kathryn's feet, slowly massaging the muscles, working the blood back through them.

"That feels good." Kathryn says as Beverly moves to her calves. She lays back and closes her eyes. She would never admit it to Beverly but just being awake is exhausting. That and the massage lull her into a semi-conscious state. Suddenly she moves, grabbing at Beverly's hand where it is gently rubbing the middle of her thigh. Beverly jerks her hand back.

"I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"

"No," Kathryn says with a laugh, "not exactly."

Beverly doesn't understand.

"But if you keep doing that, the Doctor may get an anatomy lesson that he isn't quite expecting."

"Oh," Beverly laughs.

"What? Did I hear my name? Am I needed?" the Doctor calls from across the room.

"No," the women answer in unison. Beverly laughs again. "I'll explain it to him later."

She continues to rub Kathryn's legs, being more careful about where she puts her hands until Kathryn has had enough.

"I think I'm good now. Let's get out of here."

"You might want to try sitting up first."

Kathryn uses Beverly's arm to pull herself upright. Immediately, her eyes start bouncing and she turns white. Beverly catches her before she falls over and lays her back down. The Doctor comes running over to admonish them both.

"Captain! You must not move suddenly like that. The fluids in the semicircular canals of the cochlea have settled causing nystagmus and vertigo."

Kathryn glares at him.

"English!" she snaps.

He sighs.

"Head move fast. Get dizzy. Fall down. Go boom."

"That will be enough Doctor!" she scolds him.

He leaves in a holographic huff while Beverly giggles.

"You enjoyed that."

"Immensely."

"Do you want me to explain?"

"What? That the fluids in my inner ear have settled due to lack of movement and by sitting up too fast I made myself dizzy?"

Beverly grins.

"You're very naughty."

"Why yes doctor. I am. Very. Now help me do this again, slowly this time."

Kathryn sits on the edge of the biobed with her feet dangling while the last of the nausea fades away.

"I think I'm ready to do this."

"I'm not sure. You think you can hold yourself?"

"We're about to find out. You ready to catch me?"

"Always."

Kathryn's legs buckle immediately and Beverly pushes her back up on to the biobed.

"Don't move!" she says.

She crosses Sick Bay and returns with two short thick straps. She places one around each of Kathryn's thighs and activates them.

"Now try. The muscle stimulators should provide what you need."

Kathryn slides off the bed, testing again. With a smile, she stands erect. She takes Beverly's arm.

"Shall we?"

After a short walk, she tries to steer Beverly toward the door.

"Katie, I think maybe we should stay here."

"Nonsense! I've had my fill of this place. Tonight I want to sleep in my own bed. But first, we're going to the mess hall. I'm so hungry I could eat a Tarq!"


	39. Always

Beverly helps Kathryn dress and they walk together to the mess hall. Tuvok, Chakotay and 7 of 9 notice her immediately and Kathryn waves them over to join them.

Chakotay brings a plate of food for Kathryn and she digs in with gusto while the others congratulate her on her recovery.

"This is certainly unusual to have a galley on a starship," Beverly says.

Chakotay nods. "It came about of necessity. We were short on replicator material and were forced to ration our supplies. Neelix offered to cook for us using things he knew of in the Delta Quadrant as well as food grown in our hydroponics bay. Over time, it became normal for us and, when we returned, the Captain decided to keep it. It is one of the things that makes Voyager unique."

"I like it," Beverly says, "it creates a nice sense of community."

"Yes, it also adds a certain degree of danger to the daily meal," Tuvok adds as he pokes at an unknown form of vegetable.

Kathryn laughs. "That is a tradition left over from Neelix' time on board. We like to keep the crew guessing."

"Well, I am guessing that I will be skipping my evening meal," Tuvok says without humor and pushes his plate away.

Beverly turns her attention to 7 who is also poking at her food.

"I thought that you didn't eat?" she asks, still fascinated by the former Borg.

"The Doctor insists that I take a nutritional supplement at least once a day."

"And you don't like it? What is it?"

7 shrugs. "It is nutritional supplement 113. I neither like nor dislike it."

"Oh I've had that one!" Kathryn says. "It's delicious."

7 looks back to her plate while Kathryn mouths 'no its not' to the rest of the group.

Beverly laughs out loud, thrilled to be a part of this tight knit group of friends.

"So," Chakotay asks, "has the Doctor officially released you from the brig yet?"

7 looks up, startled. "I thought the Captain was in sickbay?"

"Not yet but I am hoping that I will be able to move back to my own quarters tonight. I've had enough of sickbay for a very long time."

Tuvok shares a glance with Beverly. Kathryn catches it immediately.

"What? What is it? What have you not told me?"

"It's nothing Captain. It's just that we were short on space so I housed Dr. Crusher in your quarters. I assured her that you would not mind. Had I known that you would be moving out of sickbay so soon, I would have moved her to a new room."

Kathryn smiles. "It's quite alright. I don't mind at all. In fact, had I been able, I would have suggested it. And there is no reason to move, unless Beverly wishes to. It's not like we haven't shared a bed before."

Tuvok raises an eyebrow and Kathryn laughs.

"No Mr. Tuvok, it is not at all what you are thinking."

"I assure you Captain, I was not thinking anything of the sort."

"No. Of course not."

7 watches them with curiosity before blurting out, "you are making the assumption that the Captain and Dr. Crusher have engaged in sexual activity?"

"I was not!" Tuvok asserts, a bit more loudly than he intends.

7 shakes her head. "I will never understand why humans, and Vulcans, have such an aversion to discussing their sexual activities. Is it not a common practice between two people?"

Kathryn patiently tries to explain. "It is, 7, but there are things that people like to keep private. We are not Borg who share every little part of their lives with each other."

"Well, perhaps you should. It makes things much easier when everyone knows the details of a particular subject."

"I believe, what the Captain is trying to tell you," Tuvok tells her, "is that it is none of your business."

7 turns back to her nutritional supplement in a huff while Kathryn and Chakotay laugh. Beverly watches whole the conversation with amusement. She's been on the short end of many a similar conversation with Data and it tickles her to see someone else on the hot seat for a change.

The conversation winds down and so does Kathryn.

"Shall we head back to sickbay?" Beverly asks.

"I thought we could go to my quarters." Kathryn offers.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow. I'd like you to stay on the monitors one more night at least. Today has been a busy day. I'd hate for you to crash."

Kathryn sighs. "Will you stay with me?"

"Always."


	40. To Everything I am

V40

Kathryn spends the next morning in sickbay, submitting to tests and generally pouting about not being allowed to leave. Beverly brings her lunch and they sit quietly for a while.

"What happened to Mara?"

"We put her into a stasis. So that we can study her."

"She's still alive?"

Beverly nods. "Do you want to see her?"

"I do."

Beverly goes to get the container. She hands it to Kathryn along with a magnifying glass.

"She's smaller than I thought."

"The brain is very delicate. Even the smallest organism can have dramatic effects."

"She doesn't look much like a spider. More like a Terran Man 'O War."

"I suppose. The long tendrils rather than legs."

"The spider analogy worked though. It made it easy to understand."

Beverly thinks for a second about bringing up the topic of spiders.

"Katie, tell me about the spider?"

"What do you mean?"

"The night before we started the stasis, the Doctor said you were talking about a spider. And a salamander. Chakotay explained the salamander."

"My animal guide."

"What is the spider? Do you remember?"

Kathryn frowns as she tries to think back.

"I don't think so. It was personal. The spider is dangerous. It scares me but it's a part of me."

"Mara?"

"No. Not Mara."

She pauses, lost in thought for a few seconds.

"Call Chakotay. Have him bring his Akoonah."

Beverly, Kathryn and Chakotay sit together in a quiet corner of the lounge. Chakotay lays out his Akoonah and his medicine bag. He hands the Akoonah to Kathryn and talks her into a trance. Beverly sits quietly and watches, fascinated by the process. After a few minutes, Kathryn's eyes open.

"Give it to Beverly."

"What did you see?" Chakotay asks.

Kathryn shakes her head. "Not yet. Give it to Beverly."

Chakotay turns to Beverly.

"What do you know about Spirit Guides?"

Beverly shrugs. "Not a lot. My son, Wesley, he studied for a long time with the Native American colonists on Dorvan V. He met his spirit animal there. Went on a vision quest where he talked to his father."

Chakotay is surprised. "Wesley Crusher? He's your son?" He shakes his head. "I can't believe I didn't put that together. Wesley is…"

Beverly smiles. "Yes he is."

"Wow. Ok. This will be interesting. Shall we start?"

Chakotay talks Beverly through using the Akoonah and helps her into a trance.

"Look around you. What do you see? The first living animal you see. That is your spirit guide. Talk to it. What does it say?"

Beverly is quiet, her face still. Slowly she opens her eyes, removes her fingers from the Akoonah. She looks at Kathryn. Kathryn nods.

"You fear me?"

Chakotay tries to understand.

"What did you see?"

"A spider. I'm the spider?"

"A spider is a wonderful guide." Chakotay tells her. "She is strong and patient, willing to wait, forever if she has to, for what she wants. She builds great monuments, delicate and beautiful yet very strong."

Beverly barely hears him. Her focus is completely on Kathryn.

"I don't understand. How are you afraid of me?"

Kathryn's voice is quiet.

"I don't fear you. Not really. But you are a danger to everything I think I am. Since I've known you, I've begun to question everything. It's like I am caught in your web. I want to get out, to run away, but the more I try, the closer I get. I feel the strands where they coil around me and they feel so good, so safe. I know it's a trap, that if I give in, I will never be free again. But I don't care. I love you Beverly. And that terrifies me."

Chakotay realizes his presence is no longer needed. He quickly gathers his things and slips out. Neither woman notices. Beverly moves closer, she wipes the tears from Kathryn's cheek.

"I don't want to hold you Katie. I'll let you go. If that's what you need, you are free. I do love you. But I would never make you stay. Not if that's not what you want."

"The salamander. He told me. About the spider. How I need the spider. The spider, you, gave me life. I love you."


	41. Come With Me

Kathryn takes Beverly on a walk around Voyager, showing off the things that make her ship special. They are careful to avoid any talk of feelings, both need time to think. After a quiet lunch, Beverly takes Kathryn back to Sickbay and encourages her to nap. She's only just laid down herself in her quarters when the Doctor calls for her.

*Dr. Crusher, the Captain is calling for your presence*

He meets her at the door.

"You have to get her out of here."

"What?" she asks.

"The Captain. She needs to leave. She is following me around, making suggestions on how I can improve my efficiency."

Beverly laughs. "I did notice a few…"

The Doctor interrupts. "I assure you doctor that I am working at full efficiency. If there were improvements to be made, I would have made them. Now, about the Captain…"

"I'll run some tests. If she is still progressing, I will allow her to move back to her quarters."

"Thank you."

She goes to where Kathryn is rummaging through a drawer.

"I thought you were going to nap."

"I wasn't tired."

"That's not the point Katie. If you over exert yourself, you could relapse."

Kathryn glares at her.

"If you don't get me out of here, I'm going to go crazy."

"You're not the only one."

"What does that mean?" She narrows her eyes. "What did he say?"

"He said he doesn't see any reason why you can't move back to your own quarters today," Beverly says with a smile.

"Thank gods!"

Kathryn is quiet as they walk to her quarters. Despite her relief at being allowed to go home, she is unsure about what exactly will happen next. As she enters the room, she tries to make a joke. It fails miserably.

"You redecorated? I don't like it."

Beverly starts to apologize.

"I'm sorry. I moved some of your things. I was afraid LuLu would knock your airplane models off the shelves. I didn't want to see them broken."

"It's ok. Really. I was kidding. I don't mind. Really. I just, this is so awkward."

"What do you mean? Because I've been here? It really is OK. If you want some time alone. I just want to get you settled, make sure everything is OK. LuLu and I will beam down to San Francisco. I'll have the Doctor check on you later."

"No. That's not what I meant. I mean, I'm fine with you staying, I want you to stay. It's just, I've been thinking about this moment for so long and now I don't know what to do."

"I still don't understand."

Kathryn turns to her. "I feel like I'm in high school again. I want to make love to you, desperately. I just don't know how. Do I tackle you to the floor? Or do I take my clothes off and go wait on the bed?"

Beverly laughs. "Oh. I get it. Yeah, it's a strange situation. What about if we just not think about it? Just let it happen, if it's even going to happen. You need to rest anyway. Go sit down. Put on a holomovie or some music or something. I'll make some coffee and something to eat."

Kathryn nods. "I'd like that."

Dinner is done, the movie is over, coffee has been refilled and drunk again. Kathryn turns to Beverly.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Of course," she says with a smile.

Kathryn's lips are still warm from the coffee and Beverly leans into it. Her hand slides into Kathryn's hair.

"I was so scared," she mumbles.

"That I wouldn't make it?"

"That too."

"You were afraid I didn't really mean it?"

"How much do you remember?"

Kathryn thinks for a second. "I'm not sure. Pieces. I remember how I felt. How it felt to kiss you, lie next to you." She smiles. "I remember I was just about to make my move."

Beverly laughs quietly. "It was a good move. It almost worked."

"Almost?"

"Ok. It worked. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do, to stop you. I had to be sure that it was real though."

"And now?"

"Try again. See what happens."

"Help me remember."

"Hmm…I think it went something like this."

As she kisses her, Beverly takes Kathryn's hand and brings it to her own chest. She moans softly as Kathryn begins to gently massage her breast. She takes one of Kathryn's and does the same. After a minute, Kathryn breaks away. She stands and takes Beverly's hand.

"Come with me."


	42. Understanding

V42

Kathryn leads Beverly to the bed. She lies down.

"God this feels good. My own bed." She smiles. "And you." She pulls Beverly down next to her and kisses her.

"I've been waiting for this," Beverly mumbles.

"You've waited too long," is Kathryn's answer.

She starts pulling at Beverly's shirt. Beverly slips it off over her head. Kathryn stares.

"I never understood why people sexualize breasts," she says. "Until now. You are…"

"Small," Beverly says with a smile.

"That wasn't the word I was going to use. Besides, my hands are small." She palms Beverly's breast for emphasis. Beverly groans and pulls her down.

They continue to undress each other, touching and tasting each new piece of skin. Beverly's heart races. She decides to make a move of her own. Her hand is on the inside of Kathryn's knee. She slowly starts to slide it up.

"Wait."

"What? Oh I'm so sorry Katie. I thought, it's too soon."

"No. It's not that. I just, Beverly, what if I don't like it?"

"Then you say stop."

"That's not what I mean. What if…what if I don't like the taste?"

Beverly rolls to her back.

"Katie, we don't have to do this. I won't stop loving you. I'll still be your friend."

Kathryn is hurt. "You don't understand. I'm scared. I don't know what to do here. I've never done this before."

"You think too much. There are no rules. Just do what feels good. There's nothing else. You can't disappoint me. And I'm scared too. I haven't done this before either. But it feels right. It does to me at least. If it doesn't for you, that's OK."

"It's that easy for you? To just stop thinking?"

"It's that easy."

"Will you help me?"

"Katie…"

"Give me your hand."

"What?"

Kathryn reaches for her. She takes Beverly's hand and pulls it to her stomach. She lets her hand fall to the inside of Beverly's leg.

"I'm not thinking about anything right now. Anything but what I want. What I want right now, is you. Touching me. Now."

She moves her hand up the soft skin, pausing just for a second before finding Beverly's curly red hair. Beverly moans quietly and pushes into her hand. She tickles while Beverly's hand moves down between her legs.

"Please," she whispers as Beverly slides her fingers through her wetness. She begins to rub softly. Kathryn purrs and begins to mimic her movements. It's not long before they are both hyperventilating, rubbing desperately against each other. Kathryn wraps her legs tight as she comes, pulling Beverly over the edge with her.

She buries her face into Beverly's neck, still rocking against her hand while Beverly lies gasping for air.

"Thank you," Kathryn whispers.

Beverly laughs. "I think it was mutual."

"It was amazing. I've waited a long time for someone to make me feel like you do."

"Me too," Beverly says and kisses her gently.

"What I meant was, thank you for everything you've done for me, for being here, for always catching me when I fall."

"I love you Katie."

"I love you too."

Beverly pulls her arms tight around while Kathryn tucks into her. She listens as Kathryn's breathing slows and she drifts off to sleep. She tries but sleep for her won't come.


	43. Meant for the Stars

V43

Kathryn gets stronger every day and begins to become more involved in the day to day running of Voyager. Beverly tries to keep busy helping the Doctor in Sickbay but, without a full crew, there isn't much to do.

She and Kathryn spend as much time together as they can. They can feel the undercurrent of sadness that they both know is coming but they don't talk about it. Beverly makes meals and they sit together in the evenings, just talking and not talking. At night they make love and hold each other close. Too soon, the time comes that they need to discuss their futures.

Beverly runs a quick scan of Kathryn's brain. She folds up her Tricorder and drops it next to her on the couch.

"What is it? There's nothing wrong is there?"

Beverly smiles. "No. It's good news. You are healed. Perfectly fine. I am releasing you back to duty."

Kathryn grins. "Thank you. I knew it. I feel so good now." She kisses Beverly then jumps up. "We should celebrate! Dancing on the Holodeck? I think we should go dancing!"

Beverly smiles again. "I would like that."

"Then why do you look sad?"

"I'm not sad. I'm happy. You just don't need me anymore."

Kathryn sits back down and takes her hand. "Not true. I do need you. More than ever. And I've got good news too. The timing is perfect. Voyager has been given a new assignment!"

"Oh?" Beverly feigns a happy face.

"It's nothing too much. Just a mapping mission but it will be so good to be back out there. It's only going to be six months. Eight tops. And then we can meet somewhere. Risa maybe. Or Sardinia. I've always wanted to go to Sardinia. There's this adorable little town, right on the coast. An old fort, the cannons are still there and everything. Oh Beverly, let's go to Alghero."

"No."

"What?"

"I said no. I'm not going to meet you."

"I don't understand."

Beverly sighs. "I can't wait for you Katie. You have your life and I have mine. I will anyway, when I go home."

"No! You can't mean that. Beverly no! I love you. I just found you. I won't let you go. I know! Come with me. We need a CMO. You need a job. I can have you transferred to Voyager."

"You have a doctor."

"I'll deactivate him."

"No you won't."

Kathryn looks dejected. "No. I won't." She watches as Beverly stares at her hands. "Maybe I'll stay then. With you." Beverly turns to look at her.

"Remember when you first came to me?" she asks softly. "Do you remember why?"

"Because I needed your help. Beverly I…"

"No. You came to me because you didn't want StarFleet to know there was something wrong with you. You told me that your career and Voyager were all you cared about. That without them, you had nothing."

Katie nods. "I did. But things have changed, I have you now."

Beverly shakes her head sadly. "You were afraid that Mara would end your career. You feared that more than dying. That's what you're contemplating now, giving up everything you ever wanted."

"I would you know. For you."

"And you know I won't let you. You're meant for the stars. Not for the Earth. Voyager won't share you. And neither will I."

Kathryn has to look away. "When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning."

"So soon? We're not shipping out for another week."

"You're the Captain now. You have work to do. I'll just be in the way, a distraction. It will be easier this way."

When Kathryn looks back she has tears running down her face.

"I love you. I love you so much."

"I know. I love you too. This is the way it has to be."

"And you won't wait?"

"No."

Kathryn sniffles and wipes her eyes.

"Well, if this is going to be our last night together, we should make it a good one."

Beverly smiles sadly.

"Yes. We should."


	44. Just Say You Love Me

**We made it! Thank you for sticking with me so far. If you like this story, check out my Beverly/Deanna or Beverly/Seven series or my TNG AU, Profiles. Thanks again. - Sophie**

She comes to a halt at the top of the stairs. She peers down the hallway. Someone is standing by her door. That someone is small. And female. She briefly contemplates fleeing, avoiding the emotions that are threatening her but she can't. She needs to know why the woman is here. With a deep breath, she makes the turn toward her apartment.

"Katie? What are you doing here?"

The woman turns to her but her face is unreadable.

"I would like to talk."

"I don't know that there's anything left to say."

"Maybe not. Still…"

Beverly sighs.

"Would you like to come in?"

As she goes through the door, Kathryn comments on her clothing. "You're still with StarFleet."

Beverly fingers the three pips on her collar. "I wasn't ready to give up my entire career. Besides, the powers that be loved the idea of a natural medicine curriculum. They've given me pretty much free reign on the design. We're just getting started, of course, but it's very exciting. And once that is up and running, I plan to spend some time in one of the clinics. Just to keep my hands dirty."

"That's wonderful," Kathryn smiles. "I know it will be amazing."

They fall silent. Beverly finally waves Kathryn to the couch.

"Would you like some coffee?"

"Do you have any tea?"

Beverly turns to her. "You hate tea."

Kathryn lifts one shoulder. "I'm evolving."

"So sushi?"

Kathryn laughs. "I said evolving, not regenerating."

Beverly brings two cups of tea to the couch. She's careful not to sit too close.

"Did you come to say good-bye?" It's been a week since the women said their stoic good-byes aboard Voyager.

"Not exactly."

"Then why are you here? You can't do this Katie. I know it hurts. I hurt too. I just started sleeping again. I stay at work because all I do here at home is cry. You can't come here anymore."

Kathryn looks at the floor.

"I understand."

Beverly sighs. The damage is done. She might as well listen to what Kathryn has to say.

"When do you ship out?"

"Voyager left this morning."

"I don't understand."

Kathryn takes a deep breath. This is why she came. This is what she needs to tell Beverly.

"Chakotay is her captain now."

"Katie! What did you do? You can't do this! I won't allow it!" The anger starts to come. She tries to fight it.

"Katie, you can't make these decisions without talking to me first. I'm not even sure what I want right now. You need to go back."

Kathryn still stares at the floor.

"This isn't about you Beverly. Not really. I'm not here for that. I don't want you to take me in. I wouldn't be that presumptuous. I love you. I know that will never change but I'm not ready for a relationship either. That's why I came. To tell you that."

Beverly's voice is calm now.

"Ok."

"That's it? Just OK?" Kathryn is getting angry now. She's not sure what she was expecting but indifference wasn't it.

"What do you want from me Katie?"

"I don't know. Interest? I'm trying to tell you something, something important and all you can say is ok?"

"I'm sorry. This isn't easy for me either. I don't know what to do or what to say. I don't even know what it is you want from me. Say what you need to say. We'll go from there. OK?"

"Ok."

Beverly smiles. "OK. Come here." She holds out her arm and Kathryn moves into it. They sit for a few minutes, Beverly's arm wrapped tight around Kathryn's shoulders, enjoying the familiar feel of each other's bodies. Kathryn takes a long drink of her tea.

"What I want to tell you is that you were wrong."

Beverly laughs. "Only that?"

"Well, it happens so infrequently, I thought you should know about it."

"Hmm. It may have happened once or twice before. What was I wrong about this time?"

Kathryn takes another drink then sets her cup down.

"Mara changed me."

"Of course she did. No one goes through something like that without no effect at all."

"Maybe not. But this was not what I expected. It's not that I have a new appreciation of life or a need to dedicate myself to religion or anything like that. It's more of a fundamental change. I realized something about myself."

"Tell me."

"I told you my life was StarFleet. It was. But now I'm not so sure. I had a lot of time to think. That's all I had. And I had you. That made me happy. It gave me hope. Then when we talked the other night, Beverly I was so excited about going back out in space. It's been my home for so long. It was all I wanted. You were right about that. But after you left, I felt empty. Not lonely, not love sick, empty. Nothing about space or exploring or even Voyager excited me. I noticed that all of these years, my entire life maybe, there was a piece of me missing. I didn't realize it. I filled the space with duty and ambition. I didn't know I was missing anything and I was OK. I was happy. I would have died happy. Then Mara came into my life."

"You re-evaluated your priorities."

"Not just that. She brought me to you. I knew that I loved you. That I wanted and needed you. What I didn't understand is that she exposed that piece that was missing. I hate the word soulmate. I don't believe in that. I have loved before and I would have been very happy sharing my life with Mark. But he didn't change me, make me question my life and my career. When you left, you took all of the things I was filling the hole with. It left me empty and I don't know that I will ever be able to fill that space now."

"Katie. I understand. I really do. I felt that way when Jack died. I didn't think I would ever be ok again. I was depressed, despondent, if it hadn't been for Wesley, I don't know that I would have even survived. But I did. It hurts but it will get better. I promise. I feel the same way too but this doesn't help either of us. Go back to Voyager. Be with your friends. Be the captain they need. In time, you won't forget but it will get easier. You'll be able to remember the good times without the hurt."

"No. I don't know. It doesn't feel like that. It doesn't feel like when my father died, I was depressed then, I didn't get out of bed for months. And when Mark told me he married someone else, the same thing. I got over those. This is different. I don't just miss you. I miss a part of myself."

She turns and takes Beverly's hand.

"Beverly, I'm trying to tell you, this isn't about you. I'm not trying to manipulate you or impose myself on your life again. I'm telling you that I'm a different person and maybe I want something different. I didn't quit. I'm smarter than that. But I took leave. Chakotay has this mission. He's a good captain. They'll be out six months. I'm hoping that will be enough time for me to figure this all out. Decide where it is I want to be. Who I want to be. Right now, I couldn't tell you if it's in the stars or on the earth."

"I can respect that. You're confused. Hurt. Taking time to figure it out isn't a bad idea. StarFleet has been so important to you, a career isn't something to give up impulsively. I should know that."

"Thank you. For understanding. And listening. I really don't want anything from you. Not right now. Maybe I'll come back, maybe I won't. Maybe you'll still be here. Maybe you won't. No matter what, just know that I love you. Whatever happens, I am forever in your debt. And I hope that we can be friends again someday."

Beverly blinks away her tears. "Always."

Kathryn leans into her and gives her a hug.

"So where will you go?" Beverly asks quietly.

"I'll be staying with my mother. In Indiana. She's been asking me to come visit. It's a good place to think."

Beverly is surprised to hear Kathryn's mother is still alive but she doesn't say anything. Kathryn had her reasons for not mentioning it.

"You are welcome to come visit, after a while, if you want. I won't come here again."

She pulls Beverly tighter.

"I hate saying good-bye," she whispers.

"Then just say you love me. Because I love you."

Kathryn nods and reluctantly releases her.

"I do love you. Be well Beverly."

Beverly watches her walk down the hallway to the stairs. She slowly closes the door and falls back against it. After a few seconds, she wipes her eyes.

"LuLu. Where are you? It's dinner time."

FIN


End file.
